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Carolina G. Is The Masseuse Part 1-D

Updated: Jan 19, 2022

She said, “Being rich doesn’t make you selfish though being selfish often makes you rich. It's a poisonous cake for lovers of wealth with much too much. It's a rich cake indeed, rich enough to make us become sour or grow sick from its taste. Run from it! Get rid of it. Too much can drown us, yes it can. And they do a great job at making the world seem a desert. If you have too much water to drink, you’ll die. No matter how thirsty you were.” The wise lady -

Chapter: Did You Know

Did you know the story of ‘Adam and Eve’ is about losing faith in yourself? Self-doubt? Here’s what I understood when I read the stories. “Satan” is the brain, the 'cleverest of all animals'.  Undeniably, a human is indeed a 'human animal'. When Eve’s brain told her to 'not believe', claiming God is actually lying to her, is when she let fear in. Took a bite, opened the forbidden door and walked through. God is our spiritual parent whom we're each made in the image of. Being allowed to choose to be disobedient is the lesson of why we should trust and live "in God" in truth.

The story is indeed imperative to understand for it is indeed the explanation of why we ARE here. “Satan/doubt”, is the symbol of allowance.

Disobedience is the evidence that we ARE NOT SLAVES TO GOD. 

People constantly wonder or ask, “why would he let those things happen?” Well... now ya know why.

“Choice” is given to us so that we can learn why we should strive to be close to God and not ourselves. As “Satan” is just the body/here, in reality. To worship the body or anything within the dimension of its existence, is idol worship.  Believing the lie,” is what sent Adam and Eve to “death". To no longer live in that peaceful state of mind. Because from what I know, the Garden of Eden… is a state of mind. A place within.

Did you know the bible is Not technically, “The Word of God”?  I understand "God’s word" is alive and books don't have a pulse; indicating signs of life. Though the book in itself can be used for good because God can redeem all things for the good of your needs and life work.

Did you know the old terminology or words used from the Bible, which are still being used today, are most generally not understood completely? People use these words below without understanding what they mean in the ‘today’ sense of the meaning. Having learned to trust in the translations of men whom outright mainly follow money.  

Old Terms:                                       Explanation/Today:

Sin                                                         Abuse (to hurt or abuse another or yourself)

Evil                                                        Hateful actions

Demons                                                 Negative thoughts (wolves)

Demonic People taken over, held hostage in the mind

Angels                                                   Truest self, in form WHOM you are, positive actions

Satan                                                     The vessel The body The Brain and physical realm

The Rapture                                           Evolution (spiritual becoming One with God)

Evolving from service to self, to service for others. Trust the process. It will lead to understanding Christ’s message on why it's important to serve and love one another. It's a command, not a request. It's a rule for a reason. Not understanding it will hold you from proceeding. Did you know the symbols on money, tells us whom created it? All money belongs to the people whom created and maintain it. No matter how much of it you’ve worked for or have in a bank (which belongs to them as well).

Did you know when Jesus said he’d “return on clouds” he meant the clouds of our clouded minds? Hence “powers and principalities in high places” is speaking about the highest place on the body, the head. The mind. Your Mind. The body can either obey or command... you. And if you allow it to take command of you, it will do what it naturally wants to do, which is to make you serve yourself and live comfortably with no regard for others. This action also causes self-harm by making you constantly want to be alone, beyond healthy levels

So, we MUST do the work it takes to learn to command this thing. And it starts by first learning why it's imperative to obey the spirit of Love within. Practice walking in love. I notice a “certain” religious group has taken it upon themselves to tell the world what “sin” is. But look closely at their practices and traditions. Since the time Jesus was written into history. You'll notice many people have hijacked “Christianity”. And now it's all about becoming “successful” BY money standards. Refusing to serve "Gay" people. Which is unkind and unloving in its face and using scripture quotes to hurt whole groups of people.   

Did you know “taking God’s name in vain,” doesn’t mean what most people think it means? When you understand the name “God” is but the word we use for Love.  You’ll understand not to claim it as a title for regulating peoples understanding of it. We all must fall in line and stand under it. For instance, when someone gets married knowing they do not truly ‘Love’ that one. They are in essence, taking the name of Love wrongly. (Taking the name of God in vain) Lying about being in possession of a thing.  Living under a title falsely. The action is vain and can in most cases lead to divorce.  Which at its very heart is saying in action, “Sorry but fix yourself” or “Let God forgive you, I never will. Bye Felicia”.  

However, I observe, some people simply believed they knew what love was and had entered into it with their spouse. I believe this is what causes so much grief upon separating from one whom you were married to. Facing you did not have the stamina to NEVER leave the loved one but you thought you did. And though you face it was never going to be an unbreakable attachment no matter what they did. No matter what you find out they battled within themselves, it ended. It died. And it hurts to be wrong about who we may have thought we were. It's the same pain that comes when you do something you never thought you would do.

It’s imperative to know what love is in order to be able to stand strong under it. And I know that sounds harsh but it’s a truth that needs to be fathomed. Therefore, it needs to be hit and driven in hard, like a nail. Hard words to hear are the heaviest in our ears. Yet they make us see better. Like a trumpet sounding. Words are powerful enough to help us make better choices going forward.

Did you know zombies are real? Yup. But they’re just regular people roaming around looking/working for food, but not really living. Because being alive is having Love and knowing the truth in a personal sense. Having understanding brings peace of mind. Understanding the life of service to each other, being alive is living with passion for giving. Living only to take is just so “zombie.” Yet we love our enemies. Those who are saved by the sacrificial blood of Jesus live to serve him via serving his flock.

Did you know Love isn’t love unless it’s given away? However, to receive Love is to be given a choice to either appreciate it and give back in gratitude, or deny it and reject?

Did you know denial is insanity? Because sanity is truth and acceptance thereof and Love is who we are, naturally, by creation. Sanity is Love, is God. That’s why what looks to the majority as “crazy actions”. Are most likely along the lines of being evil type actions, because exacting destruction instead of creation is evil. NOBODY IS SENT HERE TO DESTROY. Spirits cannot destroy, but the body can destroy and be led to destroy itself.

Did you know the statement “judgement is reserved for the wicked,” might actually mean; to judge another... is wicked? God didn’t send us here to judge each other, but to “Love one another”. And to take it upon ourselves to judge another usually leads to feeling justified in needing to abuse them for any reasons. Which is the same as stealing from God. Taking what is rightfully God’s job. God is love and justice.  Natural justice. Any judging we do, is born from a tree we're not meant to eat from, making it a poisonous fruit to eat and feed others.

Did you know those who live a life of false service to others, such as to take money for teaching God’s word then using it to serve their own kingdom on earth. Are acting with evil intent? Preachers, pastors or ANYONE getting paid to teach, that which comes freely from within are actually thieves in disguise?

Did you know it’s quite possible some people whom commit evils literally do not realize they are committing evils and can be forgiven? Yet still SOME who DO know what they do, are not able to look for forgiveness because the first choice was made with knowledge and full intention? Meaning those of us whom do wrong knowing it’s wrong, CAN NEVER WANT forgiveness because one can’t want to ‘not do something’ they actually wanted to do. This way of thinking stops one from being able to forgive others which creates inability to first forgive ourselves.

Did you know some things meant hurtful against you, can be turned into good for you? Because God can do the impossible. Because Love can do....... the impossible.

Did you know laziness runs rampant and psychological laziness is more prominent today than ever before because instead of looking into things to see if they are real or true, many people would rather simply dismiss and deny them as being false? Not wanting to think about it. Refusing understanding.

Did you know God is capable of miracles and will show proof of the truths present and all will be revealed, justice served, as is necessary with perfect timing?  Because no matter what, God decides what will be and even when we’re suffering, we need to hold on tight to the trust that he is with us and will bring us out into the love we know exists. 

Did you know, some say suffering is a choice because many can be experiencing a terrible pain but choose to trust in ‘goodness’ to conquer all horrific things? Living in a state of hope can save you from the hurdle of suffering in fear and hopelessness. Therefore, most suffering is by our own choice.  Never allow yourself to be too sad or unhappy, because it can quickly over take you and you won't be able to get out. It's like jumping into a deep ocean and not knowing how to swim or how long it may take to get back to shore. Self murder often becomes the final result.

Did you know motivation comes from thoughts? And NOT doing things is the same as being passive in life, allowing life to pass you by? In order to live a better life and find your purpose, one must first start guiding one’s thoughts. Not ridding ourselves of their existence, because thinking is your soul talking to God.

Did you know when we practice less thinking, we get a result of less actions, and less positive living? So say NO to the negative thoughts, but don’t attempt to stop thinking all together because that is the table you serve others upon.

Did you know pessimists use their imaginations to visualize possible negative futures, and as a result of those actions, live in fear instead of love? Optimism is self-motivating. 

I’ve finally found the understanding. And though it took thirty-five years to realize that forgiving others is indeed for our own peace of mind ninety percent of the time, I can finally see, and though many will not ever ask for forgiveness nor see themselves as wrong, they’ve conquered ninety percent of themselves when they do. That’s a walk-in grace.  The power of denial is strong and will break people for not wanting to be alive in truth. So grow and refuse to not love yourself enough to love others in truth.

"The throne of the King of truth is within, dust off the Cobb webs and invite him in."

The wise Lady -

Chapter:  The Struggle

Even though I was so scared and in such a predicament, knowing people viewed and judged me as some unstable chick who can’t even hold her own family together. I refused to continue feeling helpless and stuck. Attaching my mind to the knowledge I’d get through is what got me through. Though I was utterly pregnant and neither able to support myself or my children, still living with grandma, feeling deep in sorrow a lot of the time. Time traveler ex-boyfriend now rejected me harshly beyond how I ever knew someone could be so mean to another. As well being cared for by doctors I didn’t trust. Emotions were all over the place.

But instead of taking all those facts into myself and feeling bad all the time. I made sure my baby knew the sense of being wanted by me. As I laid my hands on my belly and focused myself to be calm and send her love energy, knowing it's all that matters.  Still as the days passed and I felt the urge to keep trying to talk to the time traveler ex because I knew he needed love and I wanted to give him mine. Often I recognized how desperate I was for him to want me. Waiting to see how it could be to be loved by him. Continually despairing, sad and facing my baby wouldn’t even have a dad. Sad my baby would experience those feelings of abandonment and possibly being left out of Father’s Day activities or feeling unwanted in some way. I continued to fight for her to have him. I prayed hard all day and worked on my ability to be patient and stayed around him even when he continued to push me away. 

Though if he started to get violent or ‘too much’, I’d just bounce. And thank God grammy always had her door open for us. 

I desperately loved him knowing he didn’t love me. Wrestling my mind in order to not drown myself and my unborn child in negative emotions. And I was mostly successful on some occasions, not so much on others. This time I was alone. Towards the end of my pregnancy I spoke to him and he told me about a very large third degree burn on his lower back. And of course he acquired it one drunken evening with his “friends,” when he fell into a glass fire pit. Again, feeling really bad for him, knowing he just didn't have people around him that gave two buck eyed flips about him or his well-being. I kept loving him. My heart forgave all the past pain and harsh words and treatment. And I put my-self to the side, packed a bag and went to stay and take care of him at “his house”, which was actually his moms condo. 

Our time together fed my false hope of him ever loving me, wanting to be with me again and though it felt so nice to be with him, the false hope only hurt me again and again. But I yearned so greatly that he MAY just want to be the baby’s dad and that alone would be worth this rejection.

On the day I decided to choose her name I knew I wanted a name from the Bible. So, I went online and looked at a list of girl names from A to Z and the first one that stood out to me sounded so cute and I felt a connection to it. So, I chose it and I told everyone her name. But then someone asked me what it meant, and I had to admit I didn’t know. 

Once time traveler ex no longer needed me to help him with his bandages and started treating me badly again, I went home to grandma. He was now openly annoyed with me being there and it felt like I’d outstayed my welcome. A few days passed and I looked up the meaning of growing belly baby's name and sat in shock and awe at the truly miraculous, undeniable communications God has with each of us. Though I continued hurting so deeply to be treated badly after trying to help him while he was in need, I knew THIS was confirmation. I KNEW She would have a dad. 

I sat and stared at her name with tears welling up in my eyes. Thanking God quietly within me. Glorifying his name and praising the day he saved us all. Her name means, 'my father’s joy'.

I had no other choice but to accept his mistreatment with grace and not lash back or become angry about it. So, I did just that. I chose to not be afraid but trust.

My girls were home once again now, and baby was taking her sweet little time to appear. I went past my due date, and happily settled on a caesarian date instead. I’d had my previous child in the same way and the doctor advised it would be best to go with the surgery anyway.  Talk about not wanting to be pregnant anymore, I felt like I was carrying a sumo wrestler around. 

I called time traveler ex and told him the date and asked him if he was gonna be there at the hospital with me when I had her. But he’d never give me a straight answer. Until the night before my surgery when I heard him acting foolish and drunk over the phone. My heavy saddened heart knew he didn’t really want to be there. So I called Regina, like she told me to do, to come be with me in the hospital and in the room while I had the baby.  During my stay in the delivery ward I was surprised to see the other female doctor from the office, and even more concerned when she was standing next to my doctor in the delivery room. I wondered why he didn’t even tell me she was going to assist him during the surgery, but what could I say now.  

The surgery began. I lay there as they sliced me open and then I heard her cry! But then the doctor said, “we got a ginger.” And I thought, "a WHAT? Oh my god is she deformed?" I mean I AM older now and what if I wasn’t as healthy as I should have been oh my God, I battled fearful thoughts she may have an ailment unforeseen but knew I'd love her no matter what. Then they showed her to me with a head full of fire red hair. 

The female doctor said, “wow look at them thighs”. Her little baby thighs were thunderous! She was quite large. Little baby was a giant looking little momma. She looked like a three-month-old baby beast!  She was eight pounds eleven ounces. One ounce from nine pounds. My big girl. But as they took her over to the nurse’s station and my sister stepped over to take pictures the doctors began "closing me up" and things got really weird. 

Suddenly I felt a whole bunch of tugging at my stomach, like if they were trying to rip my stomach open but because I couldn’t actually feel anything I didn’t know what they were doing. I picked up my head and tried to look up at them calling my sister over to see. She looked over. Then the female doctor said, “we need to get all the blood out,” or something like that. Then she said, “Okay now I’m gonna sit on your chest, okay?”  Like if I was gonna say "no bi*ch ya aint!" She then laid all her weight onto my entire stomach and it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was being yanked around so much I started feeling like I wanted to cry. Like I was being violated somehow but it was happening in the open. This was not normal, and I didn’t like it at all. I moaned for my sister to come to me, but she was still looking after the baby. All I could do was wait for them to do whatever they "needed to do".

They closed me up and I just felt relieved to get away from them both.

I was very adamant about not allowing the nurses to take my baby from me for even a moment and they acted annoyed by that but truly, I didn’t care. I didn’t want my baby left to cry for any amount of time, which meant I needed to keep her near me. I was back in my recovery room and finally got my phone and seen time traveler ex had been calling and texted a bunch asking about the baby.  He came to the hospital looking slightly hung over, but was completely elated as he held her close. My heart filled with warmth as he kissed her soft little fuzzy baby cheeks.  He asked my permission to allow his dad and his dad's girlfriend to see her. Then he cautiously asked if it would be okay for his mom to come see her too and I said, “of course she can.”

I welcomed her into my hospital room with a smile. She carelessly handed me an arrangement of flowers making it obvious she only wanted to see the baby. But I didn't care. I made sure she felt comfortable, then asked if she would like to come hold the baby. After Regina spent the first night with me helping me with the baby, she was exhausted and went to stay at grandmas until I was released.  I spent the next night together with time traveler ex and felt so much joy, again. Convincing myself he was a changed boy now since time traveler baby had arrived. Thinking we were going to be "together", that things were going to be okay and maybe we were gonna be a family!

Until the next day when I urged him that we should give the baby his last name. After Regina suggested I should ask. But he just got mad and said I was just trying to trap him and find a way to get child support again. And his whole positive happy attitude completely changed back to being mean and hurtful. I felt like he didn’t care about little baby at all, once again. 

Like lightning jolting through my chest and stomach I felt the all too familiar anguish visiting once again. My heart sunk within and I was so upset, I kicked him out of my hospital room. I felt broken some more as I explained to the nurse how I needed to change the hospital forms to my last name instead. 

Regina came and took us all home to grandmas. And the very next day I received a voice mail form my middle daughter’s school saying she’d missed school. I called to find out why and learned that her dad had enrolled her into a school over by where he now lived, a few counties away. Which he had done without my knowledge or awareness. He just decided he didn’t want to have to drive her back and forth from school for that week like we agreed upon since it was my time to have her and now my daughter wouldn’t be able to welcome her baby sister home. 

I was so upset because it was just one week, so that I could recover from surgery. But now she was living two hours away from me. So, I called and spoke to her on the phone to see how she was doing and ask her directly if she wanted to stay there or come home but she said she liked having her own room there and he was renting a large house and that she was happy. So reluctantly and with a hesitation feeling, in tears I accepted the decision and looked at the fact that I was still recovering with a new born baby anyway and it would be dangerous to take the baby out each morning and afternoon for school drop offs and pick-ups and agreed to allow her to stay with her dad for an additional year.

It still felt so bad, and I cried a lot because of how her dad just took her behind my back with absolutely no regard for her needing to be with her mother. I felt like some stranger just kidnapped her and I was powerless. A short while later as I sat there crying holding my baby. I realized I shouldn’t have been so mean to time traveler ex boyfriend because he was just scared I would take the baby from him and more than anything he was a scared boy who I asked to trust me and now I’ve hurt him just like so many people had done to him all his life.  So, I called him and apologized. A few days later the baby ended up with a strange rash all over her body and I had one on my stomach too. So he suggested we all go stay at his house. But I told him he couldn’t be drinking or smoking around her at all and he agreed. So, myself and my eldest daughter packed up some clothes and went to stay with him. We were all in his house together and it felt like we were a family. My middle daughter came to visit for a few weeks during her vacation. We played games and watched movies together and hung out in the pool. It was so beautiful to see how happy this little red head made him feel. The way he held her so gentle. I was even happier to see he kept his word on not being drunk all the time like before. 

She was his little red headed baby who matched with his long red beard and the days were easy. Things were looking positive. His mom was so in love with her too and stepped in and bought us a bunch of baby stuff because we pretty much had nothing since I didn't have a baby shower. I’d even let her take care of the baby for a few moments at times. Eventually me and time traveler ex agreed to get a place together long term.  However I insisted we get something we can afford. He asked his mom to keep an eye out for an affordable place because she’s a realtor. A few weeks later she found a super large three bedroom condo, in the same complex as the place we were in of hers. She said we should get it and she'd gift us a year of paying half our rent. And that she'd just sell the place we were in.

I was appreciative and seen it as a wonderful gift but deep inside I was suspicious because she said she was saving money by using one of our three garages as her storage since her storage unit was more expensive. But when it all came down to it, she never moved her things in nor closed her storage down. Still I trusted it would be okay. And it was, until instead of selling her old place we moved out of, she decided to move into it. And was now living less than a minute from us. But I remained positive and very gracious towards her whenever we’d see her around. I spoke with her and even tried to befriend her.

But soon time traveler ex started having his binging weekends of drunkenness again and my heart sank deeper.  At first he stayed away from the baby and just wanted for me to stay around him and entertain him while he drank but I wasn’t drinking because I needed to take care of the baby and my patience for any sort of drunkenness was becoming less and less, as occurrences added up.  Now his behaviour completely reminded me of how my own mom had always so selfishly forced us to stay around her if she was drunk too, listening to music and doing whatever they want, it was like the world needed to be revolving around them or something. 

Often, my now sober mom would call me and try to counsel me about how to cope with him and his mom or how to handle his drunken binges. But more than anything she would urge me to get the children away from him and move out there with her. But this time I knew better. Our hopeful little home was becoming much divided and now he was constantly complaining and demanding that everything be clean and shiny at all moments. But I wasn’t one to stress myself about keeping things in order.  I literally liked to leave a little mess around and rest because it felt good that I could do such a thing since this was MY house too. But to his heavily influenced eyes, it was a trash dump. And his mother encouraged his views with her not so subtle facial expressions of disgust that I’d seen on her face a few times. His whole demeanor would change after she would "drop things off or just stop by.”   

My patience was becoming thinner and thinner with the entire predicament that I now felt I’d gotten myself into. Somehow, I’d been tricked into taking a most poisonous candy.

Mom was now always advising me to just “detach from him”. Like if I was gonna be able to ignore the drunk guy in my face cussing at me and following me around wherever I went. Even when I tried to stay away from him, he just got angrier and would “accidentally” hurt me. He opened a dresser drawer and dropped it on my foot, and then laughed one day. I started to feel sleepier throughout the days and evenings. I was done the moment his drunken self yanked little baby out of her high chair, leaving a large bruise on her little baby thigh.

He didn’t work and was home with us all day long because his Handy Man jobs were few and far between. I paid my portion of rent and his mom paid for everything for him. I needed to get away. But how. So when baby was seven months old, I went back to work and let him, and my eldest daughter take care of her. But really she was more of a watch dog for his drinking. One weekend Regina and my niece and two nephews came to stay with us for some BBQ fun but I had to go to work in the morning. And when I got home, she told me that he’d fallen down the stairs while holding the baby. I almost lost my patience, but more than anything I wanted to get us all away from the dangers he chose to present.

Of course, he denied it and claimed it wasn’t such a big deal which resulted in us getting into an even bigger argument that night.

It was going from bad to worse quickly. On one drunken occasion his mom came to talk to him and then had his dad come take him out to eat and sober up. I kept asking him why he couldn’t just drink like a normal person and then go to sleep or something. Why’s it always got a be a drunken weekend with falling down drunkenness every single time?  But I was happy to see both his parents were caring about him more than I’d ever seen.

He always had some stresses to blame his drinking on. His dad would ask him to come work for him and then refuse to pay him. His mom would take his money or close his phone line because he chose to keep letting her run his life. But it was like he had no ability to live without her. I cried often and prayed for help but more than often lived in regret and fear. 

One day at my families Christmas party, after he swore he wouldn’t drink at all, he got wasted and as we were leaving he knocked into the baby's car seat with her in it and it fell to the floor from the couch.  I yelled at him as the baby cried. Then demanded everyone go get in the car. I was livid and angry and verbally abusive to him, fuming with rage and anger, hatred and frustration.

We now fought more often. But something more fearful than I’d ever imagined. I started to change. I started to become so frustrated with the drunkenness and dysfunction that I wanted to be more than violent. I started to have vicious thoughts and allowed my mind to be hateful again. I was constantly holding myself back. But I felt so stuck and didn’t know what to do.  He was dangerous and was never going to change. This whole situation was bad for the baby as well my girls were witnessing all these negative things. But now I was in court trying to fight to get my middle daughter back too. Trying to present to the judge that I had it all together because her dad refused to let her return after that one year was over. But our judge sided with her dad and I lost her forever. He said she was failing in school from going back and forth and so decided to leave her where she was at with her deceptive manipulative dad and his suspicious girlfriend. 

I should have gone to court to fight it back then when he first kidnapped her. But now I have to be without her and that court decision broke my soul in half. Even though I partly knew it probably was for the better. It still hurt. I knew she was unhappy living over there now. She was showing behaviors of someone who was abused, and I knew it, but she wouldn’t tell me anything, so I had no claims to make other than it was my turn to have her. But the family court system only gives you minutes to explain your side and then in a split second, makes a decision which leads to you getting yet another court date for the next month. 

As hard as I tried not to view this judge as favoring my ex and treating me like he didn’t like me for his own personal reasons, it was inevitably the truth. And that fact made the whole outcome that much worse. I cried in front of everyone in that court room. I tried so hard to hold onto my emotions, but I couldn’t understand how this was happening and his tone was harsh, annoyed and downright abusive.   The pain from feeling like I just lost my daughter to her kidnapper and the courts helped him, made my mind spin. Dealing with drunken time traveler boyfriend and losing my middle daughter fed my great need to get away. I just needed haven. Safe haven. Agitated I spoke to my mom, she urged that I should take a vacation from the whole series of events and come visit her in Washington.  I was in and out of great feelings of sorrow and bouts of crying and agreed to go. 

I prayed a lot and begged God to help me understand how this could be necessary, how it could be that MY daughter is in danger with her dad and me both. We both had things going on behind our closed doors and I knew this. So, I chose to focus on being loving in my response to all the fault I seen around me. This must be my fault, or it wouldn’t be happening. That day after getting home from court, I cried harder than I've ever cried in my life. Like a child who can't breath from the pain, I sat in the shower and begged God to give me back my baby. Repeating "My baby, my baby, she's my baby." But when I got out of the shower, suddenly I knew. Suddenly it hit me................ She's his baby. She's Gods baby before she's mine.

And my mind shifted to see things for the best. She belongs to God first.  The realization picked me up off the floor and I apologized to her dad even though I knew he was in the wrong too I released those feelings of blame and hatred all together. I felt my soul ventilate like a deflating balloon from the sheer exhaustion. Weak and feeling like I was barely holding on, my mom convinced me I should move to Washington with her and I contemplated it seriously. But I had no money to go visit Washington and was also beginning to owe money to baby’s dad for my half of the bills and rent which meant I owed his mother. And he made sure that I knew it. Mom insisted she would pay for everything and that I just needed a vacation. 

So in grief… I agreed to go visit. 

The time came and baby’s dad acted sad like he thought I was gonna take the baby away from him, and I felt guilty again, and knew for sure I didn’t want to move us over there, but definitely needed some time away from him. Still I felt bad for him and didn’t want to hurt him by making him think I was taking little baby. So, I invited him to come out and stay with us for the second week of our two-and-a-half-week visit. 

When we got there, mom was welcoming and happy, but I’d forgotten what it was like to be in someone else’s un-baby proofed house. And eventually baby fell and hit her little fore head on the corner of mom’s coffee table and ended up with a giant welt and bruise. I was still dealing with the onslaught of thoughts wanting me to suffer for what I might have done wrong to make me lose my middle daughter and sitting in slight sorrow of feeling bad for having lost her.   I just felt so lonely and contemplative and useless on occasions. I started missing time traveler boyfriend and just wanted to go back home already.

It was only a few more days until he was supposed to get there, and we spoke on the phone like we were happily together again. I was excited to see him and introduce him to some of my family but when his flight arrived, of course he arrived drunk. My sadness turned into annoyance and lack of patience all around. Everything and everyone was annoying me, and I was trying to not be aggravated or mean in passive ways. I finally confessed to my mom about his indirect forms of abusing me and how he had hurt the baby a few times and was surprised how still she didn't seem to grasp the seriousness of his problem with drinking and just kept urging me to move out to Washington, which was inevitably why we were there in the first place. For me to see if we would want to live there. And now that he was there with us at the airport, drunk and swerving slightly, though he wasn’t wasted, my patience for his need to be drunk in public, was gone. 

What surprised me more than anything was to see how my mom reacted to his behavior. She was gentle with him. She didn’t even mind him being drunk for some reason. His slurring made me highly aggravated but she had patience with him. I thought maybe it was from her working at a mental hospital. Or maybe they were just both the same kind of person and they both knew it because now toward the end of the visit, she was treating him kinder than she treated me. He played the victim and she believed it. Even against what I’d told her he does and what she’d seen, she chose to see in her own way. 

I… was now the bad guy in the picture. 

According to mom I needed to not be responsive or feed into it, yet I was so confused about how to not respond to the drunk guy acting a fool, tripping over things while holding our baby. The more I watched her response to him, I seen that her concern seemed to be for him now more than me or the baby. And my heart felt low and I grieved in silence for the loss of my mom and my middle daughter. Interactions with mom were becoming negative again very quickly. Although I tried really hard to keep the energy loving and positive, because I knew she was sensitive after my sister Regina cut her off completely. So instead of being upset for her treatment toward me, I chose to make sure she knew I loved her. 

When she dropped us off at the airport, something inside me told me to remind her that I would never cut her off, no matter what. So I turned to her before we walked into the airport and said, “I love you mom, I just want you to know I would never cut you off no matter what you say or do, okay I really love you mom.” And I hugged her and meant it. I had no real idea why I said that but figured I just wanted her to know I wouldn’t try to hurt her.

When I got home, I spoke to her on a few short calls but felt immensely distant from her as a source of trust and confidence now. She favored my abuser IN MY FACE and that hurt. But instead of being mean or ending up in an argument I began to call her back with less urgency. And this only made her call me more and more often. Texting and pushing me beyond my levels of patience. Boundaries trampled. On one occasion I failed to return her call for a few days and when I finally did call her back, I apologized about it but she wanted to be upset. And that only made me feel that talking to her was a thing I dreaded once again. It all pulled me back into feeling forced to do whatever she wanted because she wanted it.

I needed a break and finally told her that I need some time for myself, but she didn’t take that very well. She argued with me about it and then hung up on me. Then immediately sent a very long text message that she didn’t want to talk to me anymore and that she was … cutting ME off!

I replied to her that I wasn’t mad at her and that we should talk when she was calm, but that never happened. A few minutes later she rounded up my little sister Jazmine to text attack me also. But all the stress and frustration led me to attacked back and I called her names and put her down like she did me. Then ignored her responses because I knew she was just attacking some more and there was really no need for further negativity in my brain or heart. And instead took a giant leap back from them both. And that was the end of communications with my mom and little sister. Or so I thought.

I was somewhat sad but felt more relief than anything to not have to talk to mom because it was just so heavy to talk to her. But the whole ordeal hurt somewhat because I still loved her. I wanted to help her see what she was doing but I also wanted to get far away from her once again.  A few nights later, time traveler boyfriend decided to get drunk again but this time he wouldn’t let me and the baby go to sleep and started arguing and fighting with me in front of her. So, I left the living room and went up to the bedroom, but he followed us and when I tried to close the door, he pushed it open saying I better leave it open. My eldest daughter heard all the commotion and came to get the baby, but he blocked the doorway as she walked over to him with the baby in her arms. Now he wouldn’t let any of us leave. 

I kept repeating “just leave us alone, come on just leave us alone, go downstairs and drink.” 

But he wouldn’t and instead turned around and pulled his pocket knife out and looked at me dead in the eyes. My heart jumped and I was almost scared until I seen this mischievous look on his face. And knew he was just trying to scare me. However, I readied myself for an attack just in case, but instead he quickly turned around and started picking at the door hinges with the knife saying he was gonna take the doors off. I looked at my daughter and we both knew it was time to go right now, no waiting. 

I texted his mom for some help again but this time her responses were harsh and now she was acting like I did something wrong all of the sudden. Telling me that it’s his house and I’m not on the lease so I’d better just leave.  I felt a rush of disappointment and let down because I had trusted her. But I didn’t bother to respond and started putting our things together to leave. Him stumbling around demanding that I leave the baby and go but I was so used to the madness I just kept getting our things together to leave. We went to grandma’s house and I cried as I told her about what just happened. And as I’m talking, I realized he isn’t going to let us come get our stuff tomorrow and his mom will definitely be there acting all crazy like she normally does in these kinds of situations. It was like she was excited and thriving off of these types of negative occurrences. Like she literally delighted in seeing us fight and breaking apart. It reminded me of how my own mom liked to start problems for people and got some sort of a high off of it or something.

I jumped up and told my daughter to come with me and leave the baby sleeping with grandma. And when we got there just as I expected, he wouldn’t let me in. Now he was empowered in his position and slammed the door in my face. With my mind working on fumes of “what would Jesus do,” nervous and frightened and caught in the predicament. I called the cops just to enforce he gives me my things. Knowing he views the house as “his” house. Even though I knew the rule that if someone receives mail at the residence, it is considered their home. Still, I didn’t care because truly I just didn’t want to be there anymore. "Keep your stupid house", I thought to myself, “he can have it all for himself by himself or with his mommy.”

When the officers arrived, so did his mother. She came walking up in her normally skimpy clothing, asking one of them if their name was “Chris,” like they homeys and shhhiiiii. I didn’t even look her way at all, but I was heated. I’m in full on revenge ‘mode. Full F U mode. I literally felt hatred for this woman like I’d never felt for anyone.  She was standing close enough to me in her attempt to be intimidating, talking to the officer, I started saying in a low voice right at her, “you’re never gonna see my baby again. Ever. Never again.” I had that attitude like “oh it’s on now bit**.” 

The cops let me in to get my stuff, and in the morning, I had to rent a truck and come back for the big things and there she was again. Sitting at the counter on a barstool making hateful remarks at me as I carried the bags and boxes of my things that SHE packed up. I was struggling to ignore them both and praying so hard!  I dropped something on the floor at the bottom of the stairs and time traveler ex bent down throwing his pocket knife on the floor then picked it up and said “Oh, I’m pulling a knife out on you, hahahaha, better call the cops hahahahaha". And they both laughed together, like demonic little children. I felt this mischievous essence again, I didn’t allow it to influence me this time though. And just grabbed the thing that fell and kept walking.

When time traveler ex was sober enough to care about the baby again, we spoke about how the separation would work and I reminded him that I wouldn’t keep her away from him but that I didn’t want him bringing her around his mentally unstable and violent mother. He agreed. So, I hand wrote him an agreement letter to sign, planning go get it notarized. He said he wanted to look at it first. I said okay but when he walked around to the other side of the car, I seen this sinister look on his face, in his mouth and demeanor. I could literally see the deception in his responses and knew he had something up his sleeve. 

But it was done.

He brought the baby back that night and then said he needed to keep the letter and refused to sign it and just walked away with a very angry attitude and behavior that felt like him saying, “now I’m really gonna hurt you.”  The very next day at eight o’clock in the morning I got a call from his lawyer’s office to go to an emergency court hearing. Called an “ex-partay.”  They or as the lawyers worded it, he, was claiming I was a partier and unstable, living with my grandmother in a dirty old “trailer.” And that the baby was in grave danger in my care.

My heart hit the floor and I panicked. My hands started shaking, and all the plans for a normal life that I had started making were tossed off the oven and I took a few deep breath to ask God for help. I called my grandpa and Tio Mando but they said not to panic and gave me some advice on how to proceed and what the emergency hearing meant. My poor Tio was at a court hearing himself for his teenage son being killed in a car accident by a sleepy cargo truck driver. His strength and fortitude still astonish me to this day.

I was online calling people back and forth on the phone. Some people saying, I should and shouldn’t spend borrowed money to pay for a lawyer to defend me from the attacks. But none of it mattered because when the judge forced me to give my baby over to baby's dad, I knew the best interests of the baby were not at all what the courts weigh.  Those days were cold and some of the most painful I’d ever experienced. But throughout it all, I faced that I could either choose to be filled with hatred, anger and remorse or I could contemplate the ways that maybe I made this whole thing happen. What did I do that made it worse in any way? 

The whole process was very stressful and heavy but nothing about the whole incident took my breath away like when his lawyer happily pulled me into the hall to show me two typed out, long statements from my mother and Jazmine claiming that I was an abusive mother and mentally unstable.  I went to the bathroom to read them alone. Mom wrote that from her "professional LVN nurse experience", I had “schizo effective disorder” and was a danger to my baby. I stopped reading and never read the whole thing but still I heard her saying it in my mind as I read it. I seen the way she moves her mouth and tightens her voice with the most annoying voice that I now cringed to hear. Those words attempted to take positions of power in my mind and I almost started doubting myself. 

That day in the bathroom of that courthouse was disturbing. The way his lawyer spoke to me was as though she was so happy to have a trump card to pull in attempt to take from me, even though she didn’t know me, this was literally a game for her, she was but determined to win. She didn’t care if my baby was in danger. She seen all the text messages and his record of DUI’s. But that was her job. To win. Her job was not… to care. 

Both my mom and Jazmine suggested to the judge that the baby be given to father, full custody and they even volunteered to happily fly out to testify to this. But that wasn’t the most hurtful part, no, they also methodically attacked my grandma by so eloquently and with such professional word choices, explained that my grandma was mentally ill and shouldn’t be around the baby either.  I called Regina from the bathroom and told her what just happened. I cried and told her I didn’t know what to do, struggling but holding myself from being full of rage and hatred.  I went back to his lawyer and calmly said "no I’m not going to just hand my baby over to some crazy lady and her drunken son because you found two vindictive individuals who want to hurt me by using my child. This isn’t a game; this is my baby’s life here."

I looked at the lawyer in the eyes and told her how dangerous he truly was and that he’d never taken care of a baby for more than a few hours, let alone overnight. How dare they even ask for something so ridiculous? But now I was facing another month of waiting for another court date to come back. The entirety of each one of those minutes for all twenty-nine days or so, I had to face that I was once again homeless, broke, beyond mentally exhausted from the whole ordeal and onslaught of attacks from people I thought loved me and people I tried to love. I started to feel like forgiving people was really dumb and possibly the whole reason I was now suffering yet again.  It jolted my soul to see how the truth could be used and formed into a weapon to be used against me, and by my own “loved ones.” I’d confided my most awkward thoughts and fears to my mother, and she used that information to create labels for me upon a foundation of needing to protect MY baby from me.  

We all know a child needs their mother. And my mom knew he had four DUI’s, and that his mother was violent and abusive, the real kind of violent, the real kind of danger. And yet she chose to do what she did and now all I could do was face it and go through it. Trying to get through it without hurting myself by being less than loving towards others or by feeling negatively against them, for what they’ve done, was one heck of a difficulty thing to accomplish.  I know I need to forgive but now I mostly regretted having reached out to my mom for advice and council on so many days and nights, telling her about the drunken incidents and how he constantly put me down to which she’d always calmly reply she’s, “praying” for me or with me and or by urging me to move my entire family out to live with her in Washington. Though my response was always that I really wanted my baby to have a dad, even if I’m not with him. 

Here I am. Here it is. This is the day. Maybe THIS is what they meant by “standing strong on that day of evil as the devil wiles against you.” Because here we were, my own family was standing by the side of the man I confided to them was abusing me and my children. Standing by his side. Supporting him, because they had a grudge against me. And now it’s all hurting my children AND me. 

And now I understood fully why my sister had cut them all……. off. 

She was always right about mom, but I always wanted to forgive and let mom back in. And now I’m left suspended in doubt and questioning the goodness of loving difficult people and whether or not the act would simply allow for more chances to hurt me or end my life.  How could my own mom take my explained reasoning, belief and trust of reliance on God’s will, as a way to justify her choices in partaking in abusing and crucifying me in her heart. I had told her I believed God wanted me to help time traveler ex and maybe it was just meant to be. To me, it looked like her way of convincing her own mind that she was only “trying to help” because in my mind she knew she was wrong. She knew she was trying to get back at me. I couldn’t believe that she would use my explanation of “God’s will,” explaining I believed my love could help heal him and although we can make poor choices that lead to unnecessary pain, it’s always for a good reason at the end.” 

She took my trust and literally turned it into a negative and then used it against me. Because in her mind was mentally unstable and she believed it and that fact justified to her the need for her to omit from her statement that baby dad had been drunk when he arrived in Washington, amongst other drastically exaggerated claims and full on non-truths. She painted me as a monster and then took up swords against me under the name and banner of Love and of “protecting” others. Slay the demons right?

But my lawyer said because she’s my mom and close family relative, the Judge will consider the input no matter what.  And now I seen her like a laughing hyena with blood all over the mouth, revealing to me in one last and final blow that she truly serves a destructive force within her. But I knew the one she tries to hurt me with is the one she will face.  I felt this devastating feeling of finally seeing why Regina wasn't wrong in cutting that bind. Why she chose the flight... over the fight. Finally, I felt I understood why it would be necessary to protect yourself from mischievous people and that separating from danger is not an un-loving action. For a while I thought Regina was being cruel and unforgiving.

My fight in court was long and confusing, and expensive. I was in and out once a month for about an entire year. Worried and trying not to be. Afraid but trying to have faith in God yet inevitably facing that my little baby could so easily be stripped of having a mother even after paying everything I had to these lawyers and borrowing money. I’d hired a law firm of two female lawyers whom spoke to me and behaved as though they wanted to help me but inevitably, in the long run, I felt more like they were on his side or just against us both.

On one occasion they literally told me they were "trying to save me money", when they had to explain why they weren’t doing things right or helping at all. The bill was imprisoning my future quickly, until I’d racked up an over eight thousand dollar debt. At which point they called me to ever so gently let me know how graciously they would allow me to make payments in the amount of five hundred dollars a month, though settled for four because I just could not afford that amount. This was after having filled out all the available fee waivers for county help in paying for court costs and all.   

By and by, my baby was robbed of a mother for an entire month during the whole ordeal. I wasn’t allowed to speak to her on the phone nor call to hear her voice nor let her hear mine. And her dad and his weird mother delighted in that.  Trying not to be all the things they were painting me out to be, I had to fight hard to hold off that beckoning spirit of hatred, anger and frustration calling upon my mind’s door.  All I could think was, “you want me to love these people God?”   How???   

My mind moved to assessing the story of how Jesus was so brutally treated and murdered yet was completely innocent of all charges. They charged him with the claim that he was a liar. Because he said God was his father and no one could come to him but through himself. Which basically meant he was cutting all the money-making religious middlemen out. Hence, they "lawfully/legally" murdered him. 

In their eyes, he was a criminal. 

I wondered, did Jesus love the Pharisees and soldiers that were standing against him? He must have because he didn’t let anyone pull a sword on them nor speak hurtful words towards any of them. Did he love those people in the temple as he whipped the thieves and overturned the tables? Yes. But his love was in correction (rebuke) form because he made efforts to correct their dastardly behaviors though still suffering from the weight of having to correct so many from blindness and selfish actions. His life was the living light of selfless actions but his spirit, which is still here, is the ‘one on one’ teacher we each have access to and the power to know.