top of page

Carolina G. Is The Masseuse Part 1-D

Updated: Jan 19, 2022

She said, “Being rich doesn’t make you selfish though being selfish often makes you rich. It's a poisonous cake for lovers of wealth with much too much. It's a rich cake indeed, rich enough to make us become sour or grow sick from its taste. Run from it! Get rid of it. Too much can drown us, yes it can. And they do a great job at making the world seem a desert. If you have too much water to drink, you’ll die. No matter how thirsty you were.” The wise lady -

Chapter: Did You Know

Did you know the story of ‘Adam and Eve’ is about losing faith in yourself? Self-doubt? Here’s what I understood when I read the stories. “Satan” is the brain, the 'cleverest of all animals'.  Undeniably, a human is indeed a 'human animal'. When Eve’s brain told her to 'not believe', claiming God is actually lying to her, is when she let fear in. Took a bite, opened the forbidden door and walked through. God is our spiritual parent whom we're each made in the image of. Being allowed to choose to be disobedient is the lesson of why we should trust and live "in God" in truth.

The story is indeed imperative to understand for it is indeed the explanation of why we ARE here. “Satan/doubt”, is the symbol of allowance.

Disobedience is the evidence that we ARE NOT SLAVES TO GOD. 

People constantly wonder or ask, “why would he let those things happen?” Well... now ya know why.

“Choice” is given to us so that we can learn why we should strive to be close to God and not ourselves. As “Satan” is just the body/here, in reality. To worship the body or anything within the dimension of its existence, is idol worship.  Believing the lie,” is what sent Adam and Eve to “death". To no longer live in that peaceful state of mind. Because from what I know, the Garden of Eden… is a state of mind. A place within.

Did you know the bible is Not technically, “The Word of God”?  I understand "God’s word" is alive and books don't have a pulse; indicating signs of life. Though the book in itself can be used for good because God can redeem all things for the good of your needs and life work.

Did you know the old terminology or words used from the Bible, which are still being used today, are most generally not understood completely? People use these words below without understanding what they mean in the ‘today’ sense of the meaning. Having learned to trust in the translations of men whom outright mainly follow money.  

Old Terms:                                       Explanation/Today:

Sin                                                         Abuse (to hurt or abuse another or yourself)

Evil                                                        Hateful actions

Demons                                                 Negative thoughts (wolves)

Demonic People taken over, held hostage in the mind

Angels                                                   Truest self, in form WHOM you are, positive actions

Satan                                                     The vessel The body The Brain and physical realm

The Rapture                                           Evolution (spiritual becoming One with God)

Evolving from service to self, to service for others. Trust the process. It will lead to understanding Christ’s message on why it's important to serve and love one another. It's a command, not a request. It's a rule for a reason. Not understanding it will hold you from proceeding. Did you know the symbols on money, tells us whom created it? All money belongs to the people whom created and maintain it. No matter how much of it you’ve worked for or have in a bank (which belongs to them as well).

Did you know when Jesus said he’d “return on clouds” he meant the clouds of our clouded minds? Hence “powers and principalities in high places” is speaking about the highest place on the body, the head. The mind. Your Mind. The body can either obey or command... you. And if you allow it to take command of you, it will do what it naturally wants to do, which is to make you serve yourself and live comfortably with no regard for others. This action also causes self-harm by making you constantly want to be alone, beyond healthy levels

So, we MUST do the work it takes to learn to command this thing. And it starts by first learning why it's imperative to obey the spirit of Love within. Practice walking in love. I notice a “certain” religious group has taken it upon themselves to tell the world what “sin” is. But look closely at their practices and traditions. Since the time Jesus was written into history. You'll notice many people have hijacked “Christianity”. And now it's all about becoming “successful” BY money standards. Refusing to serve "Gay" people. Which is unkind and unloving in its face and using scripture quotes to hurt whole groups of people.   

Did you know “taking God’s name in vain,” doesn’t mean what most people think it means? When you understand the name “God” is but the word we use for Love.  You’ll understand not to claim it as a title for regulating peoples understanding of it. We all must fall in line and stand under it. For instance, when someone gets married knowing they do not truly ‘Love’ that one. They are in essence, taking the name of Love wrongly. (Taking the name of God in vain) Lying about being in possession of a thing.  Living under a title falsely. The action is vain and can in most cases lead to divorce.  Which at its very heart is saying in action, “Sorry but fix yourself” or “Let God forgive you, I never will. Bye Felicia”.  

However, I observe, some people simply believed they knew what love was and had entered into it with their spouse. I believe this is what causes so much grief upon separating from one whom you were married to. Facing you did not have the stamina to NEVER leave the loved one but you thought you did. And though you face it was never going to be an unbreakable attachment no matter what they did. No matter what you find out they battled within themselves, it ended. It died. And it hurts to be wrong about who we may have thought we were. It's the same pain that comes when you do something you never thought you would do.

It’s imperative to know what love is in order to be able to stand strong under it. And I know that sounds harsh but it’s a truth that needs to be fathomed. Therefore, it needs to be hit and driven in hard, like a nail. Hard words to hear are the heaviest in our ears. Yet they make us see better. Like a trumpet sounding. Words are powerful enough to help us make better choices going forward.

Did you know zombies are real? Yup. But they’re just regular people roaming around looking/working for food, but not really living. Because being alive is having Love and knowing the truth in a personal sense. Having understanding brings peace of mind. Understanding the life of service to each other, being alive is living with passion for giving. Living only to take is just so “zombie.” Yet we love our enemies. Those who are saved by the sacrificial blood of Jesus live to serve him via serving his flock.

Did you know Love isn’t love unless it’s given away? However, to receive Love is to be given a choice to either appreciate it and give back in gratitude, or deny it and reject?

Did you know denial is insanity? Because sanity is truth and acceptance thereof and Love is who we are, naturally, by creation. Sanity is Love, is God. That’s why what looks to the majority as “crazy actions”. Are most likely along the lines of being evil type actions, because exacting destruction instead of creation is evil. NOBODY IS SENT HERE TO DESTROY. Spirits cannot destroy, but the body can destroy and be led to destroy itself.

Did you know the statement “judgement is reserved for the wicked,” might actually mean; to judge another... is wicked? God didn’t send us here to judge each other, but to “Love one another”. And to take it upon ourselves to judge another usually leads to feeling justified in needing to abuse them for any reasons. Which is the same as stealing from God. Taking what is rightfully God’s job. God is love and justice.  Natural justice. Any judging we do, is born from a tree we're not meant to eat from, making it a poisonous fruit to eat and feed others.

Did you know those who live a life of false service to others, such as to take money for teaching God’s word then using it to serve their own kingdom on earth. Are acting with evil intent? Preachers, pastors or ANYONE getting paid to teach, that which comes freely from within are actually thieves in disguise?

Did you know it’s quite possible some people whom commit evils literally do not realize they are committing evils and can be forgiven? Yet still SOME who DO know what they do, are not able to look for forgiveness because the first choice was made with knowledge and full intention? Meaning those of us whom do wrong knowing it’s wrong, CAN NEVER WANT forgiveness because one can’t want to ‘not do something’ they actually wanted to do. This way of thinking stops one from being able to forgive others which creates inability to first forgive ourselves.

Did you know some things meant hurtful against you, can be turned into good for you? Because God can do the impossible. Because Love can do....... the impossible.

Did you know laziness runs rampant and psychological laziness is more prominent today than ever before because instead of looking into things to see if they are real or true, many people would rather simply dismiss and deny them as being false? Not wanting to think about it. Refusing understanding.

Did you know God is capable of miracles and will show proof of the truths present and all will be revealed, justice served, as is necessary with perfect timing?  Because no matter what, God decides what will be and even when we’re suffering, we need to hold on tight to the trust that he is with us and will bring us out into the love we know exists. 

Did you know, some say suffering is a choice because many can be experiencing a terrible pain but choose to trust in ‘goodness’ to conquer all horrific things? Living in a state of hope can save you from the hurdle of suffering in fear and hopelessness. Therefore, most suffering is by our own choice.  Never allow yourself to be too sad or unhappy, because it can quickly over take you and you won't be able to get out. It's like jumping into a deep ocean and not knowing how to swim or how long it may take to get back to shore. Self murder often becomes the final result.

Did you know motivation comes from thoughts? And NOT doing things is the same as being passive in life, allowing life to pass you by? In order to live a better life and find your purpose, one must first start guiding one’s thoughts. Not ridding ourselves of their existence, because thinking is your soul talking to God.

Did you know when we practice less thinking, we get a result of less actions, and less positive living? So say NO to the negative thoughts, but don’t attempt to stop thinking all together because that is the table you serve others upon.

Did you know pessimists use their imaginations to visualize possible negative futures, and as a result of those actions, live in fear instead of love? Optimism is self-motivating. 

I’ve finally found the understanding. And though it took thirty-five years to realize that forgiving others is indeed for our own peace of mind ninety percent of the time, I can finally see, and though many will not ever ask for forgiveness nor see themselves as wrong, they’ve conquered ninety percent of themselves when they do. That’s a walk-in grace.  The power of denial is strong and will break people for not wanting to be alive in truth. So grow and refuse to not love yourself enough to love others in truth.

"The throne of the King of truth is within, dust off the Cobb webs and invite him in."

The wise Lady -

Chapter:  The Struggle

Even though I was so scared and in such a predicament, knowing people viewed and judged me as some unstable chick who can’t even hold her own family together. I refused to continue feeling helpless and stuck. Attaching my mind to the knowledge I’d get through is what got me through. Though I was utterly pregnant and neither able to support myself or my children, still living with grandma, feeling deep in sorrow a lot of the time. Time traveler ex-boyfriend now rejected me harshly beyond how I ever knew someone could be so mean to another. As well being cared for by doctors I didn’t trust. Emotions were all over the place.

But instead of taking all those facts into myself and feeling bad all the time. I made sure my baby knew the sense of being wanted by me. As I laid my hands on my belly and focused myself to be calm and send her love energy, knowing it's all that matters.  Still as the days passed and I felt the urge to keep trying to talk to the time traveler ex because I knew he needed love and I wanted to give him mine. Often I recognized how desperate I was for him to want me. Waiting to see how it could be to be loved by him. Continually despairing, sad and facing my baby wouldn’t even have a dad. Sad my baby would experience those feelings of abandonment and possibly being left out of Father’s Day activities or feeling unwanted in some way. I continued to fight for her to have him. I prayed hard all day and worked on my ability to be patient and stayed around him even when he continued to push me away. 

Though if he started to get violent or ‘too much’, I’d just bounce. And thank God grammy always had her door open for us. 

I desperately loved him knowing he didn’t love me. Wrestling my mind in order to not drown myself and my unborn child in negative emotions. And I was mostly successful on some occasions, not so much on others. This time I was alone. Towards the end of my pregnancy I spoke to him and he told me about a very large third degree burn on his lower back. And of course he acquired it one drunken evening with his “friends,” when he fell into a glass fire pit. Again, feeling really bad for him, knowing he just didn't have people around him that gave two buck eyed flips about him or his well-being. I kept loving him. My heart forgave all the past pain and harsh words and treatment. And I put my-self to the side, packed a bag and went to stay and take care of him at “his house”, which was actually his moms condo. 

Our time together fed my false hope of him ever loving me, wanting to be with me again and though it felt so nice to be with him, the false hope only hurt me again and again. But I yearned so greatly that he MAY just want to be the baby’s dad and that alone would be worth this rejection.

On the day I decided to choose her name I knew I wanted a name from the Bible. So, I went online and looked at a list of girl names from A to Z and the first one that stood out to me sounded so cute and I felt a connection to it. So, I chose it and I told everyone her name. But then someone asked me what it meant, and I had to admit I didn’t know. 

Once time traveler ex no longer needed me to help him with his bandages and started treating me badly again, I went home to grandma. He was now openly annoyed with me being there and it felt like I’d outstayed my welcome. A few days passed and I looked up the meaning of growing belly baby's name and sat in shock and awe at the truly miraculous, undeniable communications God has with each of us. Though I continued hurting so deeply to be treated badly after trying to help him while he was in need, I knew THIS was confirmation. I KNEW She would have a dad. 

I sat and stared at her name with tears welling up in my eyes. Thanking God quietly within me. Glorifying his name and praising the day he saved us all. Her name means, 'my father’s joy'.

I had no other choice but to accept his mistreatment with grace and not lash back or become angry about it. So, I did just that. I chose to not be afraid but trust.

My girls were home once again now, and baby was taking her sweet little time to appear. I went past my due date, and happily settled on a caesarian date instead. I’d had my previous child in the same way and the doctor advised it would be best to go with the surgery anyway.  Talk about not wanting to be pregnant anymore, I felt like I was carrying a sumo wrestler around. 

I called time traveler ex and told him the date and asked him if he was gonna be there at the hospital with me when I had her. But he’d never give me a straight answer. Until the night before my surgery when I heard him acting foolish and drunk over the phone. My heavy saddened heart knew he didn’t really want to be there. So I called Regina, like she told me to do, to come be with me in the hospital and in the room while I had the baby.  During my stay in the delivery ward I was surprised to see the other female doctor from the office, and even more concerned when she was standing next to my doctor in the delivery room. I wondered why he didn’t even tell me she was going to assist him during the surgery, but what could I say now.  

The surgery began. I lay there as they sliced me open and then I heard her cry! But then the doctor said, “we got a ginger.” And I thought, "a WHAT? Oh my god is she deformed?" I mean I AM older now and what if I wasn’t as healthy as I should have been oh my God, I battled fearful thoughts she may have an ailment unforeseen but knew I'd love her no matter what. Then they showed her to me with a head full of fire red hair. 

The female doctor said, “wow look at them thighs”. Her little baby thighs were thunderous! She was quite large. Little baby was a giant looking little momma. She looked like a three-month-old baby beast!  She was eight pounds eleven ounces. One ounce from nine pounds. My big girl. But as they took her over to the nurse’s station and my sister stepped over to take pictures the doctors began "closing me up" and things got really weird. 

Suddenly I felt a whole bunch of tugging at my stomach, like if they were trying to rip my stomach open but because I couldn’t actually feel anything I didn’t know what they were doing. I picked up my head and tried to look up at them calling my sister over to see. She looked over. Then the female doctor said, “we need to get all the blood out,” or something like that. Then she said, “Okay now I’m gonna sit on your chest, okay?”  Like if I was gonna say "no bi*ch ya aint!" She then laid all her weight onto my entire stomach and it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was being yanked around so much I started feeling like I wanted to cry. Like I was being violated somehow but it was happening in the open. This was not normal, and I didn’t like it at all. I moaned for my sister to come to me, but she was still looking after the baby. All I could do was wait for them to do whatever they "needed to do".

They closed me up and I just felt relieved to get away from them both.

I was very adamant about not allowing the nurses to take my baby from me for even a moment and they acted annoyed by that but truly, I didn’t care. I didn’t want my baby left to cry for any amount of time, which meant I needed to keep her near me. I was back in my recovery room and finally got my phone and seen time traveler ex had been calling and texted a bunch asking about the baby.  He came to the hospital looking slightly hung over, but was completely elated as he held her close. My heart filled with warmth as he kissed her soft little fuzzy baby cheeks.  He asked my permission to allow his dad and his dad's girlfriend to see her. Then he cautiously asked if it would be okay for his mom to come see her too and I said, “of course she can.”

I welcomed her into my hospital room with a smile. She carelessly handed me an arrangement of flowers making it obvious she only wanted to see the baby. But I didn't care. I made sure she felt comfortable, then asked if she would like to come hold the baby. After Regina spent the first night with me helping me with the baby, she was exhausted and went to stay at grandmas until I was released.  I spent the next night together with time traveler ex and felt so much joy, again. Convincing myself he was a changed boy now since time traveler baby had arrived. Thinking we were going to be "together", that things were going to be okay and maybe we were gonna be a family!

Until the next day when I urged him that we should give the baby his last name. After Regina suggested I should ask. But he just got mad and said I was just trying to trap him and find a way to get child support again. And his whole positive happy attitude completely changed back to being mean and hurtful. I felt like he didn’t care about little baby at all, once again. 

Like lightning jolting through my chest and stomach I felt the all too familiar anguish visiting once again. My heart sunk within and I was so upset, I kicked him out of my hospital room. I felt broken some more as I explained to the nurse how I needed to change the hospital forms to my last name instead. 

Regina came and took us all home to grandmas. And the very next day I received a voice mail form my middle daughter’s school saying she’d missed school. I called to find out why and learned that her dad had enrolled her into a school over by where he now lived, a few counties away. Which he had done without my knowledge or awareness. He just decided he didn’t want to have to drive her back and forth from school for that week like we agreed upon since it was my time to have her and now my daughter wouldn’t be able to welcome her baby sister home. 

I was so upset because it was just one week, so that I could recover from surgery. But now she was living two hours away from me. So, I called and spoke to her on the phone to see how she was doing and ask her directly if she wanted to stay there or come home but she said she liked having her own room there and he was renting a large house and that she was happy. So reluctantly and with a hesitation feeling, in tears I accepted the decision and looked at the fact that I was still recovering with a new born baby anyway and it would be dangerous to take the baby out each morning and afternoon for school drop offs and pick-ups and agreed to allow her to stay with her dad for an additional year.

It still felt so bad, and I cried a lot because of how her dad just took her behind my back with absolutely no regard for her needing to be with her mother. I felt like some stranger just kidnapped her and I was powerless. A short while later as I sat there crying holding my baby. I realized I shouldn’t have been so mean to time traveler ex boyfriend because he was just scared I would take the baby from him and more than anything he was a scared boy who I asked to trust me and now I’ve hurt him just like so many people had done to him all his life.  So, I called him and apologized. A few days later the baby ended up with a strange rash all over her body and I had one on my stomach too. So he suggested we all go stay at his house. But I told him he couldn’t be drinking or smoking around her at all and he agreed. So, myself and my eldest daughter packed up some clothes and went to stay with him. We were all in his house together and it felt like we were a family. My middle daughter came to visit for a few weeks during her vacation. We played games and watched movies together and hung out in the pool. It was so beautiful to see how happy this little red head made him feel. The way he held her so gentle. I was even happier to see he kept his word on not being drunk all the time like before. 

She was his little red headed baby who matched with his long red beard and the days were easy. Things were looking positive. His mom was so in love with her too and stepped in and bought us a bunch of baby stuff because we pretty much had nothing since I didn't have a baby shower. I’d even let her take care of the baby for a few moments at times. Eventually me and time traveler ex agreed to get a place together long term.  However I insisted we get something we can afford. He asked his mom to keep an eye out for an affordable place because she’s a realtor. A few weeks later she found a super large three bedroom condo, in the same complex as the place we were in of hers. She said we should get it and she'd gift us a year of paying half our rent. And that she'd just sell the place we were in.

I was appreciative and seen it as a wonderful gift but deep inside I was suspicious because she said she was saving money by using one of our three garages as her storage since her storage unit was more expensive. But when it all came down to it, she never moved her things in nor closed her storage down. Still I trusted it would be okay. And it was, until instead of selling her old place we moved out of, she decided to move into it. And was now living less than a minute from us. But I remained positive and very gracious towards her whenever we’d see her around. I spoke with her and even tried to befriend her.

But soon time traveler ex started having his binging weekends of drunkenness again and my heart sank deeper.  At first he stayed away from the baby and just wanted for me to stay around him and entertain him while he drank but I wasn’t drinking because I needed to take care of the baby and my patience for any sort of drunkenness was becoming less and less, as occurrences added up.  Now his behaviour completely reminded me of how my own mom had always so selfishly forced us to stay around her if she was drunk too, listening to music and doing whatever they want, it was like the world needed to be revolving around them or something. 

Often, my now sober mom would call me and try to counsel me about how to cope with him and his mom or how to handle his drunken binges. But more than anything she would urge me to get the children away from him and move out there with her. But this time I knew better. Our hopeful little home was becoming much divided and now he was constantly complaining and demanding that everything be clean and shiny at all moments. But I wasn’t one to stress myself about keeping things in order.  I literally liked to leave a little mess around and rest because it felt good that I could do such a thing since this was MY house too. But to his heavily influenced eyes, it was a trash dump. And his mother encouraged his views with her not so subtle facial expressions of disgust that I’d seen on her face a few times. His whole demeanor would change after she would "drop things off or just stop by.”   

My patience was becoming thinner and thinner with the entire predicament that I now felt I’d gotten myself into. Somehow, I’d been tricked into taking a most poisonous candy.

Mom was now always advising me to just “detach from him”. Like if I was gonna be able to ignore the drunk guy in my face cussing at me and following me around wherever I went. Even when I tried to stay away from him, he just got angrier and would “accidentally” hurt me. He opened a dresser drawer and dropped it on my foot, and then laughed one day. I started to feel sleepier throughout the days and evenings. I was done the moment his drunken self yanked little baby out of her high chair, leaving a large bruise on her little baby thigh.

He didn’t work and was home with us all day long because his Handy Man jobs were few and far between. I paid my portion of rent and his mom paid for everything for him. I needed to get away. But how. So when baby was seven months old, I went back to work and let him, and my eldest daughter take care of her. But really she was more of a watch dog for his drinking. One weekend Regina and my niece and two nephews came to stay with us for some BBQ fun but I had to go to work in the morning. And when I got home, she told me that he’d fallen down the stairs while holding the baby. I almost lost my patience, but more than anything I wanted to get us all away from the dangers he chose to present.

Of course, he denied it and claimed it wasn’t such a big deal which resulted in us getting into an even bigger argument that night.

It was going from bad to worse quickly. On one drunken occasion his mom came to talk to him and then had his dad come take him out to eat and sober up. I kept asking him why he couldn’t just drink like a normal person and then go to sleep or something. Why’s it always got a be a drunken weekend with falling down drunkenness every single time?  But I was happy to see both his parents were caring about him more than I’d ever seen.

He always had some stresses to blame his drinking on. His dad would ask him to come work for him and then refuse to pay him. His mom would take his money or close his phone line because he chose to keep letting her run his life. But it was like he had no ability to live without her. I cried often and prayed for help but more than often lived in regret and fear. 

One day at my families Christmas party, after he swore he wouldn’t drink at all, he got wasted and as we were leaving he knocked into the baby's car seat with her in it and it fell to the floor from the couch.  I yelled at him as the baby cried. Then demanded everyone go get in the car. I was livid and angry and verbally abusive to him, fuming with rage and anger, hatred and frustration.

We now fought more often. But something more fearful than I’d ever imagined. I started to change. I started to become so frustrated with the drunkenness and dysfunction that I wanted to be more than violent. I started to have vicious thoughts and allowed my mind to be hateful again. I was constantly holding myself back. But I felt so stuck and didn’t know what to do.  He was dangerous and was never going to change. This whole situation was bad for the baby as well my girls were witnessing all these negative things. But now I was in court trying to fight to get my middle daughter back too. Trying to present to the judge that I had it all together because her dad refused to let her return after that one year was over. But our judge sided with her dad and I lost her forever. He said she was failing in school from going back and forth and so decided to leave her where she was at with her deceptive manipulative dad and his suspicious girlfriend. 

I should have gone to court to fight it back then when he first kidnapped her. But now I have to be without her and that court decision broke my soul in half. Even though I partly knew it probably was for the better. It still hurt. I knew she was unhappy living over there now. She was showing behaviors of someone who was abused, and I knew it, but she wouldn’t tell me anything, so I had no claims to make other than it was my turn to have her. But the family court system only gives you minutes to explain your side and then in a split second, makes a decision which leads to you getting yet another court date for the next month. 

As hard as I tried not to view this judge as favoring my ex and treating me like he didn’t like me for his own personal reasons, it was inevitably the truth. And that fact made the whole outcome that much worse. I cried in front of everyone in that court room. I tried so hard to hold onto my emotions, but I couldn’t understand how this was happening and his tone was harsh, annoyed and downright abusive.   The pain from feeling like I just lost my daughter to her kidnapper and the courts helped him, made my mind spin. Dealing with drunken time traveler boyfriend and losing my middle daughter fed my great need to get away. I just needed haven. Safe haven. Agitated I spoke to my mom, she urged that I should take a vacation from the whole series of events and come visit her in Washington.  I was in and out of great feelings of sorrow and bouts of crying and agreed to go. 

I prayed a lot and begged God to help me understand how this could be necessary, how it could be that MY daughter is in danger with her dad and me both. We both had things going on behind our closed doors and I knew this. So, I chose to focus on being loving in my response to all the fault I seen around me. This must be my fault, or it wouldn’t be happening. That day after getting home from court, I cried harder than I've ever cried in my life. Like a child who can't breath from the pain, I sat in the shower and begged God to give me back my baby. Repeating "My baby, my baby, she's my baby." But when I got out of the shower, suddenly I knew. Suddenly it hit me................ She's his baby. She's Gods baby before she's mine.

And my mind shifted to see things for the best. She belongs to God first.  The realization picked me up off the floor and I apologized to her dad even though I knew he was in the wrong too I released those feelings of blame and hatred all together. I felt my soul ventilate like a deflating balloon from the sheer exhaustion. Weak and feeling like I was barely holding on, my mom convinced me I should move to Washington with her and I contemplated it seriously. But I had no money to go visit Washington and was also beginning to owe money to baby’s dad for my half of the bills and rent which meant I owed his mother. And he made sure that I knew it. Mom insisted she would pay for everything and that I just needed a vacation. 

So in grief… I agreed to go visit. 

The time came and baby’s dad acted sad like he thought I was gonna take the baby away from him, and I felt guilty again, and knew for sure I didn’t want to move us over there, but definitely needed some time away from him. Still I felt bad for him and didn’t want to hurt him by making him think I was taking little baby. So, I invited him to come out and stay with us for the second week of our two-and-a-half-week visit. 

When we got there, mom was welcoming and happy, but I’d forgotten what it was like to be in someone else’s un-baby proofed house. And eventually baby fell and hit her little fore head on the corner of mom’s coffee table and ended up with a giant welt and bruise. I was still dealing with the onslaught of thoughts wanting me to suffer for what I might have done wrong to make me lose my middle daughter and sitting in slight sorrow of feeling bad for having lost her.   I just felt so lonely and contemplative and useless on occasions. I started missing time traveler boyfriend and just wanted to go back home already.

It was only a few more days until he was supposed to get there, and we spoke on the phone like we were happily together again. I was excited to see him and introduce him to some of my family but when his flight arrived, of course he arrived drunk. My sadness turned into annoyance and lack of patience all around. Everything and everyone was annoying me, and I was trying to not be aggravated or mean in passive ways. I finally confessed to my mom about his indirect forms of abusing me and how he had hurt the baby a few times and was surprised how still she didn't seem to grasp the seriousness of his problem with drinking and just kept urging me to move out to Washington, which was inevitably why we were there in the first place. For me to see if we would want to live there. And now that he was there with us at the airport, drunk and swerving slightly, though he wasn’t wasted, my patience for his need to be drunk in public, was gone. 

What surprised me more than anything was to see how my mom reacted to his behavior. She was gentle with him. She didn’t even mind him being drunk for some reason. His slurring made me highly aggravated but she had patience with him. I thought maybe it was from her working at a mental hospital. Or maybe they were just both the same kind of person and they both knew it because now toward the end of the visit, she was treating him kinder than she treated me. He played the victim and she believed it. Even against what I’d told her he does and what she’d seen, she chose to see in her own way. 

I… was now the bad guy in the picture. 

According to mom I needed to not be responsive or feed into it, yet I was so confused about how to not respond to the drunk guy acting a fool, tripping over things while holding our baby. The more I watched her response to him, I seen that her concern seemed to be for him now more than me or the baby. And my heart felt low and I grieved in silence for the loss of my mom and my middle daughter. Interactions with mom were becoming negative again very quickly. Although I tried really hard to keep the energy loving and positive, because I knew she was sensitive after my sister Regina cut her off completely. So instead of being upset for her treatment toward me, I chose to make sure she knew I loved her. 

When she dropped us off at the airport, something inside me told me to remind her that I would never cut her off, no matter what. So I turned to her before we walked into the airport and said, “I love you mom, I just want you to know I would never cut you off no matter what you say or do, okay I really love you mom.” And I hugged her and meant it. I had no real idea why I said that but figured I just wanted her to know I wouldn’t try to hurt her.

When I got home, I spoke to her on a few short calls but felt immensely distant from her as a source of trust and confidence now. She favored my abuser IN MY FACE and that hurt. But instead of being mean or ending up in an argument I began to call her back with less urgency. And this only made her call me more and more often. Texting and pushing me beyond my levels of patience. Boundaries trampled. On one occasion I failed to return her call for a few days and when I finally did call her back, I apologized about it but she wanted to be upset. And that only made me feel that talking to her was a thing I dreaded once again. It all pulled me back into feeling forced to do whatever she wanted because she wanted it.

I needed a break and finally told her that I need some time for myself, but she didn’t take that very well. She argued with me about it and then hung up on me. Then immediately sent a very long text message that she didn’t want to talk to me anymore and that she was … cutting ME off!

I replied to her that I wasn’t mad at her and that we should talk when she was calm, but that never happened. A few minutes later she rounded up my little sister Jazmine to text attack me also. But all the stress and frustration led me to attacked back and I called her names and put her down like she did me. Then ignored her responses because I knew she was just attacking some more and there was really no need for further negativity in my brain or heart. And instead took a giant leap back from them both. And that was the end of communications with my mom and little sister. Or so I thought.

I was somewhat sad but felt more relief than anything to not have to talk to mom because it was just so heavy to talk to her. But the whole ordeal hurt somewhat because I still loved her. I wanted to help her see what she was doing but I also wanted to get far away from her once again.  A few nights later, time traveler boyfriend decided to get drunk again but this time he wouldn’t let me and the baby go to sleep and started arguing and fighting with me in front of her. So, I left the living room and went up to the bedroom, but he followed us and when I tried to close the door, he pushed it open saying I better leave it open. My eldest daughter heard all the commotion and came to get the baby, but he blocked the doorway as she walked over to him with the baby in her arms. Now he wouldn’t let any of us leave. 

I kept repeating “just leave us alone, come on just leave us alone, go downstairs and drink.” 

But he wouldn’t and instead turned around and pulled his pocket knife out and looked at me dead in the eyes. My heart jumped and I was almost scared until I seen this mischievous look on his face. And knew he was just trying to scare me. However, I readied myself for an attack just in case, but instead he quickly turned around and started picking at the door hinges with the knife saying he was gonna take the doors off. I looked at my daughter and we both knew it was time to go right now, no waiting. 

I texted his mom for some help again but this time her responses were harsh and now she was acting like I did something wrong all of the sudden. Telling me that it’s his house and I’m not on the lease so I’d better just leave.  I felt a rush of disappointment and let down because I had trusted her. But I didn’t bother to respond and started putting our things together to leave. Him stumbling around demanding that I leave the baby and go but I was so used to the madness I just kept getting our things together to leave. We went to grandma’s house and I cried as I told her about what just happened. And as I’m talking, I realized he isn’t going to let us come get our stuff tomorrow and his mom will definitely be there acting all crazy like she normally does in these kinds of situations. It was like she was excited and thriving off of these types of negative occurrences. Like she literally delighted in seeing us fight and breaking apart. It reminded me of how my own mom liked to start problems for people and got some sort of a high off of it or something.

I jumped up and told my daughter to come with me and leave the baby sleeping with grandma. And when we got there just as I expected, he wouldn’t let me in. Now he was empowered in his position and slammed the door in my face. With my mind working on fumes of “what would Jesus do,” nervous and frightened and caught in the predicament. I called the cops just to enforce he gives me my things. Knowing he views the house as “his” house. Even though I knew the rule that if someone receives mail at the residence, it is considered their home. Still, I didn’t care because truly I just didn’t want to be there anymore. "Keep your stupid house", I thought to myself, “he can have it all for himself by himself or with his mommy.”

When the officers arrived, so did his mother. She came walking up in her normally skimpy clothing, asking one of them if their name was “Chris,” like they homeys and shhhiiiii. I didn’t even look her way at all, but I was heated. I’m in full on revenge ‘mode. Full F U mode. I literally felt hatred for this woman like I’d never felt for anyone.  She was standing close enough to me in her attempt to be intimidating, talking to the officer, I started saying in a low voice right at her, “you’re never gonna see my baby again. Ever. Never again.” I had that attitude like “oh it’s on now bit**.” 

The cops let me in to get my stuff, and in the morning, I had to rent a truck and come back for the big things and there she was again. Sitting at the counter on a barstool making hateful remarks at me as I carried the bags and boxes of my things that SHE packed up. I was struggling to ignore them both and praying so hard!  I dropped something on the floor at the bottom of the stairs and time traveler ex bent down throwing his pocket knife on the floor then picked it up and said “Oh, I’m pulling a knife out on you, hahahaha, better call the cops hahahahaha". And they both laughed together, like demonic little children. I felt this mischievous essence again, I didn’t allow it to influence me this time though. And just grabbed the thing that fell and kept walking.

When time traveler ex was sober enough to care about the baby again, we spoke about how the separation would work and I reminded him that I wouldn’t keep her away from him but that I didn’t want him bringing her around his mentally unstable and violent mother. He agreed. So, I hand wrote him an agreement letter to sign, planning go get it notarized. He said he wanted to look at it first. I said okay but when he walked around to the other side of the car, I seen this sinister look on his face, in his mouth and demeanor. I could literally see the deception in his responses and knew he had something up his sleeve. 

But it was done.

He brought the baby back that night and then said he needed to keep the letter and refused to sign it and just walked away with a very angry attitude and behavior that felt like him saying, “now I’m really gonna hurt you.”  The very next day at eight o’clock in the morning I got a call from his lawyer’s office to go to an emergency court hearing. Called an “ex-partay.”  They or as the lawyers worded it, he, was claiming I was a partier and unstable, living with my grandmother in a dirty old “trailer.” And that the baby was in grave danger in my care.

My heart hit the floor and I panicked. My hands started shaking, and all the plans for a normal life that I had started making were tossed off the oven and I took a few deep breath to ask God for help. I called my grandpa and Tio Mando but they said not to panic and gave me some advice on how to proceed and what the emergency hearing meant. My poor Tio was at a court hearing himself for his teenage son being killed in a car accident by a sleepy cargo truck driver. His strength and fortitude still astonish me to this day.

I was online calling people back and forth on the phone. Some people saying, I should and shouldn’t spend borrowed money to pay for a lawyer to defend me from the attacks. But none of it mattered because when the judge forced me to give my baby over to baby's dad, I knew the best interests of the baby were not at all what the courts weigh.  Those days were cold and some of the most painful I’d ever experienced. But throughout it all, I faced that I could either choose to be filled with hatred, anger and remorse or I could contemplate the ways that maybe I made this whole thing happen. What did I do that made it worse in any way? 

The whole process was very stressful and heavy but nothing about the whole incident took my breath away like when his lawyer happily pulled me into the hall to show me two typed out, long statements from my mother and Jazmine claiming that I was an abusive mother and mentally unstable.  I went to the bathroom to read them alone. Mom wrote that from her "professional LVN nurse experience", I had “schizo effective disorder” and was a danger to my baby. I stopped reading and never read the whole thing but still I heard her saying it in my mind as I read it. I seen the way she moves her mouth and tightens her voice with the most annoying voice that I now cringed to hear. Those words attempted to take positions of power in my mind and I almost started doubting myself. 

That day in the bathroom of that courthouse was disturbing. The way his lawyer spoke to me was as though she was so happy to have a trump card to pull in attempt to take from me, even though she didn’t know me, this was literally a game for her, she was but determined to win. She didn’t care if my baby was in danger. She seen all the text messages and his record of DUI’s. But that was her job. To win. Her job was not… to care. 

Both my mom and Jazmine suggested to the judge that the baby be given to father, full custody and they even volunteered to happily fly out to testify to this. But that wasn’t the most hurtful part, no, they also methodically attacked my grandma by so eloquently and with such professional word choices, explained that my grandma was mentally ill and shouldn’t be around the baby either.  I called Regina from the bathroom and told her what just happened. I cried and told her I didn’t know what to do, struggling but holding myself from being full of rage and hatred.  I went back to his lawyer and calmly said "no I’m not going to just hand my baby over to some crazy lady and her drunken son because you found two vindictive individuals who want to hurt me by using my child. This isn’t a game; this is my baby’s life here."

I looked at the lawyer in the eyes and told her how dangerous he truly was and that he’d never taken care of a baby for more than a few hours, let alone overnight. How dare they even ask for something so ridiculous? But now I was facing another month of waiting for another court date to come back. The entirety of each one of those minutes for all twenty-nine days or so, I had to face that I was once again homeless, broke, beyond mentally exhausted from the whole ordeal and onslaught of attacks from people I thought loved me and people I tried to love. I started to feel like forgiving people was really dumb and possibly the whole reason I was now suffering yet again.  It jolted my soul to see how the truth could be used and formed into a weapon to be used against me, and by my own “loved ones.” I’d confided my most awkward thoughts and fears to my mother, and she used that information to create labels for me upon a foundation of needing to protect MY baby from me.  

We all know a child needs their mother. And my mom knew he had four DUI’s, and that his mother was violent and abusive, the real kind of violent, the real kind of danger. And yet she chose to do what she did and now all I could do was face it and go through it. Trying to get through it without hurting myself by being less than loving towards others or by feeling negatively against them, for what they’ve done, was one heck of a difficulty thing to accomplish.  I know I need to forgive but now I mostly regretted having reached out to my mom for advice and council on so many days and nights, telling her about the drunken incidents and how he constantly put me down to which she’d always calmly reply she’s, “praying” for me or with me and or by urging me to move my entire family out to live with her in Washington. Though my response was always that I really wanted my baby to have a dad, even if I’m not with him. 

Here I am. Here it is. This is the day. Maybe THIS is what they meant by “standing strong on that day of evil as the devil wiles against you.” Because here we were, my own family was standing by the side of the man I confided to them was abusing me and my children. Standing by his side. Supporting him, because they had a grudge against me. And now it’s all hurting my children AND me. 

And now I understood fully why my sister had cut them all……. off. 

She was always right about mom, but I always wanted to forgive and let mom back in. And now I’m left suspended in doubt and questioning the goodness of loving difficult people and whether or not the act would simply allow for more chances to hurt me or end my life.  How could my own mom take my explained reasoning, belief and trust of reliance on God’s will, as a way to justify her choices in partaking in abusing and crucifying me in her heart. I had told her I believed God wanted me to help time traveler ex and maybe it was just meant to be. To me, it looked like her way of convincing her own mind that she was only “trying to help” because in my mind she knew she was wrong. She knew she was trying to get back at me. I couldn’t believe that she would use my explanation of “God’s will,” explaining I believed my love could help heal him and although we can make poor choices that lead to unnecessary pain, it’s always for a good reason at the end.” 

She took my trust and literally turned it into a negative and then used it against me. Because in her mind was mentally unstable and she believed it and that fact justified to her the need for her to omit from her statement that baby dad had been drunk when he arrived in Washington, amongst other drastically exaggerated claims and full on non-truths. She painted me as a monster and then took up swords against me under the name and banner of Love and of “protecting” others. Slay the demons right?

But my lawyer said because she’s my mom and close family relative, the Judge will consider the input no matter what.  And now I seen her like a laughing hyena with blood all over the mouth, revealing to me in one last and final blow that she truly serves a destructive force within her. But I knew the one she tries to hurt me with is the one she will face.  I felt this devastating feeling of finally seeing why Regina wasn't wrong in cutting that bind. Why she chose the flight... over the fight. Finally, I felt I understood why it would be necessary to protect yourself from mischievous people and that separating from danger is not an un-loving action. For a while I thought Regina was being cruel and unforgiving.

My fight in court was long and confusing, and expensive. I was in and out once a month for about an entire year. Worried and trying not to be. Afraid but trying to have faith in God yet inevitably facing that my little baby could so easily be stripped of having a mother even after paying everything I had to these lawyers and borrowing money. I’d hired a law firm of two female lawyers whom spoke to me and behaved as though they wanted to help me but inevitably, in the long run, I felt more like they were on his side or just against us both.

On one occasion they literally told me they were "trying to save me money", when they had to explain why they weren’t doing things right or helping at all. The bill was imprisoning my future quickly, until I’d racked up an over eight thousand dollar debt. At which point they called me to ever so gently let me know how graciously they would allow me to make payments in the amount of five hundred dollars a month, though settled for four because I just could not afford that amount. This was after having filled out all the available fee waivers for county help in paying for court costs and all.   

By and by, my baby was robbed of a mother for an entire month during the whole ordeal. I wasn’t allowed to speak to her on the phone nor call to hear her voice nor let her hear mine. And her dad and his weird mother delighted in that.  Trying not to be all the things they were painting me out to be, I had to fight hard to hold off that beckoning spirit of hatred, anger and frustration calling upon my mind’s door.  All I could think was, “you want me to love these people God?”   How???   

My mind moved to assessing the story of how Jesus was so brutally treated and murdered yet was completely innocent of all charges. They charged him with the claim that he was a liar. Because he said God was his father and no one could come to him but through himself. Which basically meant he was cutting all the money-making religious middlemen out. Hence, they "lawfully/legally" murdered him. 

In their eyes, he was a criminal. 

I wondered, did Jesus love the Pharisees and soldiers that were standing against him? He must have because he didn’t let anyone pull a sword on them nor speak hurtful words towards any of them. Did he love those people in the temple as he whipped the thieves and overturned the tables? Yes. But his love was in correction (rebuke) form because he made efforts to correct their dastardly behaviors though still suffering from the weight of having to correct so many from blindness and selfish actions. His life was the living light of selfless actions but his spirit, which is still here, is the ‘one on one’ teacher we each have access to and the power to know.

I worked harder than I EVER had before to stay close to him, in that single month without my baby. I poured my soul into this very book and worked some double shifts to keep my mind occupied from deep sorrow and self-hatred. Who ever said forgiveness was going to be easy or pain free? It wasn’t. Not from my experience.

When me and time traveler ex had enough of the lawyers robbing us both blind, I bowed down and urged him to work with me and allow the baby to have a relationship with her mom. He was still seeing red but admitted he understood that she needed us both. And things calmed down, fears began to subside. I’d committed myself to be more understanding and so spoke kinder and softer and became easy, instead of hard to deal with. If I’d die for her I’d better be ready to also change for her too.

Eventually we worked out half and half custody. I did a lot of giving in and trying to just find and give peace. Because I knew if the baby was kept from me for any longer her little mind would be damaged. 

Update: As the years passed on and as hard as it was, I finally found a way to forgive them all. 

I didn’t have to let them know I forgave them. But I had to do it or else the baby was caught up in the middle, suffering for my refusals. It was a personal choice and I knew the goodness of doing what my father God wants me to do is to benefit everyone. So along with giving my forgiveness to them all and to myself, I also chose to hold no ill will for them. Even though my mind often suggested I should wish them all dead of horrific diseases.  I finally understood that this was his way out of the anger labyrinth some people can get lost in. I chose instead to follow Christ and recognize that I’m not the same as one who pushes hatred or un-lovingness towards others throughout this battle called life and I don’t have to be like them. As well, perhaps I was wrong in my own ways too. 

I’ve also learned and finally recognize that Alcoholics Anonymous can help some, but it cannot help ALL and since my mom has gone back to drinking, I’ve learned why I don’t agree with the program and its symbolisms. I see it as an imprisonment of people’s minds in thinking that they are one with the thing which has enslaved them. By identifying themselves "as the thing" that ails them i.e. saying “I’m an alcoholic”, they give their power over to their oppressor. It’s like calling the prison guard, YOU. You imprison yourself vs are being imprisoned and need someone i.e. Jesus to set you free.  As well this program says all religious figures are welcome (higher power) in essence denying sole power of God and to Jesus alone. It’s a battle that must be won with truth and calling yourself an alcohol-ic, will not set you free from that thing. Because it’s only as powerful as people choose to make it.

I’ve finally begun to learn that only in a battle can you discover your limits, so be thankful for all challengers, all dumbbells in this gym of Life.  For as they weigh you down, so too are you strengthened. Today I can say that no matter what outcome is present within the future. I do not fear it. I fight the fear at times, but fighting does not mean you have already lost the battle, it means you’re refusing to die. 

I’m writing and living in gratitude each day. I focus on what to do right now. I trust in the truth of living in love and walking in joy, and as much as people attempt to steal these things, I know I’m quite rich with self-assurance and faith, else they’d make no such attempt to take something of value that they do not possess. And it’s even possible my own mind tries to steal these things from me and makes it look to me that it’s others whom are the thieves. Hence, forgive. Especially because... I could be wrong.

Right now, I’m working to correct myself enough to create enough patience within myself in order to recognize opportunities as they present themselves to me because I need to find success. And success to me is living fully with a mind of knowing I’m living my life based upon the will of Love and obeying the guidance thereof.  THIS IS true success and is directly from God whom has given me true abilities to focus my attentions where necessary. To my learned understandings, success is absolute and already present, because I know I’m here to work for God and so as long as I’m doing his work, I’ve already found success. 

I’ve finally learned the most painful part about my choices to follow my own will in life lesson platform, has been to see my children split apart from each other. Knowing that if I die, they’ll be torn apart from each other because they each have a different father. But I can’t walk in fear, I must walk in trust and accept that all these facts can torment my view and urge me to walk in fear and panic, so don’t. 

I could easily not trust God. But I know better than to walk away and I know I cannot un-know, what I now know. This is why I urge young people to hold onto their virginity and view it differently than most can. Because that is the beginning of creating a family, so don’t look at it like if it’s a burden but see it like it’s a precious jewel, set apart to be given to the one that Love has sent for you to nurture and cherish, in your marriage.  Hide it away and know it’s true value. Don’t follow those who toss theirs in the dumpster like I did and don’t worry if it’s already gone, realize that you are a paradise reserved for ONE King. You are not a revolving door. Know your value and place that in the only true kingdom of true royalty.

I teach my daughters that marriage and having a family will not guarantee no problems for their life, but it will make the pain and strain of much of many of life’s up’s and downs so much less filled with different degrees of stress, pain and abuse, for all the generations to follow.  Especially if you make sure you obey God’s guiding intuition.  I teach them the absolute importance of first listening to God within. It’s a discipline of recognizing that though holding your virginity as sacred for your partner, won’t guarantee a successful marriage, it is the right thing to do. It is the thing of importance we learn to value by learning our very own value. We treat ourselves with Love.  We are here together. We must motivate each other with any and all words of love, no matter who can or cannot understand them. Because the word is the most powerful. And we are each ‘living words of God’.

Truth is the truth regardless if it’s believed. 

And remember, proving your mind to others is not your charge, it’s theirs. And what they do with their beliefs about you is no concern of yours. Because even if those beliefs make them move to harm or judge you, that too is ON THEM. It’s all about the responses you choose to act upon.

Update:  I now have communications with my mom again and a relationship with my little sister Jazmine as well. I also forgave myself and continue to grow and accept people and their choices without trying to imprint my own scale into their decision making. Regina still doesn’t talk to my mom, but I love and accept her decision and do not judge her for her choices.

Chapter: The Masseuse 

One must understand, to be a "masseuse" one must first be on the path of practicing positive behaviors, thoughts and actions. Yes, only positive people can be ‘a masseuse’. Because being “a masseuse” is ‘positive’ in practice and concept. Not saying negative people can’t do a good job of massaging, but a positive person whom has a heart for service to people will definitely do a better job.

So… of course yours truly sometimes finds myself being very un-masseusly and I have to do the work to pull myself back into the light by choosing to assume the positive before the negative. By fighting the negative thought practices I’d grown accustomed to practicing. Fighting against the learned responses and choosing instead to respond with love. Although my mind often told me “being negative would be completely warranted” as per said situation. It was like finally realizing how any occasions could attempt to convince me I’m completely justified in being negative but knowing how to control it. Thinking negatively or acting out negatively won't make anything positive.  

I have to remember there's never a reason to be hurtful or harmful to another. One wouldn’t need to be harmed for their own good. Being hurtful won’t ever help anyone. However, it will hurt the one choosing to stir it into a flame, and possibly others in its path. I’ve learned to practice being more aware of my responses and approaches. Making efforts to work at how to speak kinder to others. Though our intentions can be distorted, and some may even become offended for any number of reasons. The fact remains, our responses belong to our choices.

My daily discipline and practice of shaping myself with what I know about the actions Jesus took when he walked this planet as a human, has given me a formula to apply all things in my life. But walking in obedience to his spirits guiding voice within me, has saved me from more suffering than I can recall. Life is a work I’ve learned to do. I’ve learned how to resist the grip of those satisfaction type feelings of making someone suffer in order to ease my anger or frustrations. I no longer delight in “making them pay, or punishing others,” or looking strong or tough. Because to look tough is to be weak in the eyes of the ones who can clearly see those things which are upside down. The decision to live in the practice of The Masseuse, is a very serious and involved choice for the life of anyone. It requires great mental and emotional strength. As well as fortitude to see beyond what's right in front of you. To read deeper into things. To care; in essence. 

Though commonly, others view this type of person as being possibly annoying, dismissible, gullible or dumb. We understand however, it takes great efforts and the exertion of much energy to continue doing a good thing that others are screaming is “useless or hurtful” in its core. Similar to how people say it’s bad to help the homeless because giving to them will make them lazy or dependent upon the help. Or that they’re just making a living off of your “ill witted help.” However, remember this! No matter what reasoning’s others are under when they make their choices, YOUR reasoning’s are held up and maintained by you and only belong to you. And the same for them.  We all answered for our actions in the end.

So, make some good choices and attempt to NOT be evil. Attempt to not allow yourself to be mean to another. It’s also good for ourselves. Truly we make knowledgeable, great efforts to first accept others as they are, then attempt to apply our gifts towards their wounds or needs, understanding “positivity” has sent us this person to practice our blessings upon.  We have a heart for people and though many could take advantage of us, or be against us in any negative manner, we walk tall and unafraid in this Valley. Because we love them too. And when you love someone, you want good things for them. Before yourself. 

You before me.

A Masseuse has a responsibility to act out in Love and work - in Love. So, what a Masseuse believes about love is quite important for the story of your life is sanctified in Love. Blessed, purified, holy, sacred and dedicated are those who need and want your love. You are a blessing in this World. You bless others by being here. YOU are ‘The beloved’. YOU are sustained by a dedication to live life unto death, in Love for others.  Yet those who are in need are just as blessed. Even more shocking, those who only take, and curse others are also blessed. Though they tear down and hurt others, they too are necessary. Just as a doctor needs the sick patient in order to serve.  If you are, or were, one who would be considered selfish, mean, hurtful, murderous, evil, spiteful and all manner “negative”. Remember this, forgive yourself at the same exact moment as you realize that you have been behaving less than lovingly to those around you. 

Forgive yourself and then ask them to also forgive you. But do not expect forgiveness. Only know that you CAN and must FIRST forgive yourself, in order to not attach anything negative to what you believe is your gift of forgiveness, to them. Because God already forgave you. This is very important. It’d like building a bomb for someone but convincing yourself that you're building them a gift. Though if they don’t open it the “right” way, then they’ll possibly be hurt by it. Yourself as well. Remember with a strong knowing, YOU are not the actions you have taken in the past. YOU are becoming the actions you are taking and have set your mind to take in the future.  BUT do not be in denial about possible consequences to live through. Do not GO into denial.

Right now, you are loved and needed. You cannot know how much we all need you and want you to be here with us. We want your blessings in our lives. We want your kindness, patience, joy, understanding and perfection. For you are perfect! Even “in need” you are perfect. You were created by PERFECTION therefore YOU ARE PERFECT. You are perfectly learning. Perfectly accepting. Perfectly working hard. Perfectly relaxing. Perfectly... you are perfecting. Perfectly capable of changing and being forgiven for doing things you know hurt others or yourself.

It is YOU!  

The spirit... THAT is you, whom is perfect. A body CAN NOT BE perfect because it is created by other bodies and can NEVER be perfection.  A BODY is always just fallible dust. 

But YOU…. You were created by the spirit of Love. So, don’t worry about your appearance other than how it can be used to serve those whom are here with you. The appearance of you and your body can only be used to serve. Because to spend time serving the appearance, will destroy the precious time your spirit has been given to be here to share love with others. Waste no moments. All moments devoted to love and service are valuable.  So, pay attention. Get up and be you. The real you. 

And for those who may negatively or condescendingly say they choose to believe the negative side IS whom they are. We can only accept your choice. You do you boo boo. 

We’ll still send love over to you too.


He sat staring down at his hands. Wondering how, and why anyone would want him to help them. He viewed his lonely formerly rejected hands as less than valuable and his own girlfriend Theresa didn’t want him to touch her, let alone love her. She said he was empty and unhappy, then broke up with him. Just like that. After seven long years. He was alone.

James loved her and even proposed marriage trying to fix the issues but her only reply remained in her mind that he wasn’t enough for her and she just couldn’t be with him anymore. Urging him that she simply didn't know what she wanted right now. Saying, “It’s not you it’s me I swear,” as she pushed him away.

This day was gloomy but bright with mild rain sprinkling outside the window and when his tears began to pour down from his eyes, the day light that filled and shined into his room brightly became cloudy and uncomforting. On his knees on the floor, leaning against his bed with one arm draped over the side, heavy tears like a waterfall broke through. He held his face and now his hands were soaked with tears as he squeezed his clenched fists to his head. James closed his eyes and asked the spirit of Love within himself to help him know what he was supposed to do. How was he going to live without the love of his life? 

Why didn’t she want his love? 

He often thought maybe he wasn’t a good enough lover or maybe he just wasn’t strong enough for her. 

She did seem to only date ‘not so nice guys’ before him, which she referred to as ruff and this she claimed made her tough.

But James maintained his own kind heart which was a very big kind one indeed. He’d rather be kind than abusive. But this time not a single reasoning in his mind presented him with a way to pull himself out of the sorrow. And he began to feel like maybe he just wasn’t good enough for anyone. At work some of his clients were behaving extremely unappreciative after receiving their massage sessions and though he knew he always gave his best work to each person; he couldn’t help but think maybe they just didn’t like his massage and he wasn’t good enough for this job. Maybe he should just return to Landscape work. At least he knew plants liked his touch. Nothing he planted died.

Suddenly, as he laid his head back resting it against the wall, moving into a sitting position, his arms propped up by his knees, looking up to the ceiling. Unable to stop weeping, until his eyes noticed an intense light in the mirror on the wall in front of him. Quickly he looked at the ceiling but didn't see any light and then back to the mirror at the light again and now seen that his hands were glowing, like they were on fire but not burning in pain. But he only seen these things reflecting from the mirror and not when he looked directly at them. He jumped up in fear thinking that pain would come at any moment and began trying to shake it off, yelling and slightly rushing around the room, he grabbed a blanket and tried to put the fire out from his hands. He thought they were on fire, but as he looked closer in the mirror, he noticed the light wasn’t dimming and he didn’t feel any pain at all.

It was like his hands were made of a glowing gold. He admired them turning them back and forth analyzing them in the mirror, wondering what was going on. When suddenly, he knew, his hands were receiving a blessing of power. The power to heal and repair. It was the same familiar power he could sometimes feel when he was massaging a client or working with soil but this time, he was seeing the glow clearly. 

His heart jumped with excitement and a massive smile erupted onto his face. 

James put his hands to his face and held his own face like if his hands were foreign to him feeling the healing from all the former pain and a complete release from all negative fearful emotions. Replaced by sheer confidence and an excitement to start using his power to heal people, he ran outside and almost ran up to a lady to ask her to let him massage her but then he stopped realizing she might become afraid and more scared of him than anything. So he slowed his roll and strolled back up to his apartment instead, though continually smiling. Back inside, he vigorously began to get dressed for work.

But when he arrived his boss asked him why he was there because he wasn’t on the schedule, but James begged to be put on the schedule if there were any rooms available. He also changed his weekly schedule to add many more hours and days. 

He was on a mission to heal and it started now. 

The first client he massaged was a businessman who seemed too concerned with his phone to pay him any attention. Declaring during the intake process, that his company allows all employees to get massaged twice a month, so he was just there to see what all the hype was about. 

James patiently listened, repeated any preferences he heard back in confirmation, then kindly left the room. When James gently knocked and re-entered with his clear intention and joy for his work, the man was oppositional during the entire session. Pulling his limbs away whenever James tried to move them. The man constantly readjusted his body’s position on the table and makes loud abrubtive noises the whole time. Still James remained patient, kind and understanding. He turned his glowing hands on and gave this man the best massage, remembering how he himself used to take offense to someone’s inability to find joy and how before the miracle, this type of behavior could have disrupted the energy and flow of the entire session making him respond instead with a sense of annoyance in his un-grounded understanding. 

The session ended and still the man behaved as though this session was no different than any other massage he had to endure. James thanked him for coming in and sent him off in his kind gentle way. Knowing the power he possesses and unmoved by the lack of appreciation. He chose to focus his thoughts upon hoping his work would be memorable and possibly touch this miserable man’s heart and heal him even slightly over the next few days.

James continued his blessed mission work, and many people were amazed and completely floored with the dedication and attention to detail he exhibited. He began treating people as though they were "Royalty". Believing “how you treat someone, is who you are.” Many felt an urge to hug him after their sessions and considered him a friend and left the spa with so much joy and relief from pain and aches in their day to day lives.

One day James received a call from Theresa, asking him if he would consider allowing her back into his life. He agreed that they could become friends again and spend some time together. Theresa arrived expecting to see a broken hearted, depressed boy but was instead greeted by a joyful smile and happiness shining through him like she'd never seen before. Immediately her attraction to him heightened and she started flirting and trying to get back into his good graces. He responded lovingly and receptive however he was a different person inside and out.  James had learned she was a major part of the reason he was able to face his unfulfilled potential and though her refusal to accept him hurt, it also helped at the same time. 

She was just as "in need" of knowing what her life’s purpose was as he was, and she needed out of their relationship in order to go search for that good purpose. She’d learned to love people even when they seemed mean. Theresa was a guidance counselor at a High School and experienced many stressful and dark situations with her students. Some treated her like they hated her and abused her in their own ways. But her time apart from James reminded her that separating herself from those in need, won’t make them less in need, but simply to feel abandoned. She explained how sorry she was for hurting him and asked his forgiveness. Explaining how she finally understood that for anyone to treat you as though they hate you, is because deep down inside, they can’t love themselves. But James gave his love freely and now she understood how his kind heart, completed her's. 

They both accepted the separation time and understood its need for both their lives. He forgave her and proposed they be married once more, on bended knee. And to his joyful surprise she accepted. They were married in the High School gym, surrounded by anyone whom wished to witness the long term promises they made to each other. Then they set out on their journey of life together.

A few years down the line he started a large Massage school, opened up his own Spa, and devised a way to bring massage to all people. Regardless of the ability to pay for the work.

The End.

Chapter: The Gangster Within

Some people massage like a conveyor belt and some people enjoy that. However, others massage with an attempt to 'connect with' and give wonderful work to each and every one of their receivers. This fact motivates me with pain as it hurts to know that some are only able to receive conveyor belt work because that’s what they can afford.

My intention with this chapter is to encourage and hopefully teach my fellow givers, some new techniques and mind frames, on to how to better serve those whom come to us in need.  And so, I say strive to ‘masseuse hood’. Giving is gangster.

I know most people hold the word "gangster" in a negative light and use it to describe people of selfish intent, however I use this word to describe a rare few whom alike to the one that had to walk against the grain (Jesus). He was in fact innocent yet captured as a criminal, tried as a liar and executed. Though was not a criminal at all. I use the word “Gangster” to describe those whom do what is right even when the majority have come to accept wrong, as right.  The ones who know the difference, and it shows in their actions towards others. A gangster is a leader. They give and worry not about what they get back yet have the ability to care for themselves at the same time because they recognize, to not care for oneself is abuse. Sin.

It has come to my attention that many people can go to massage school and learn the names of muscles and how to perform a massage yet make not one single connection to the people they are serving and sometimes even feel absolutely no care for their clients. This makes me remember how not everyone can taste a scrumptious cake the same way because not everyone likes cake in general. Still, not everyone likes mustard either. 

However, those whom make cakes or mustard, have the ability to bestow moments of joy and bliss within the lives of those whom love it. 

People with a passion for creating will love creating, they’re the ones putting their complete wholeness of focus and desire into serving others. All the time they spend envisioning, creating and going through its process, they’re filled with an intention to create joy and happiness within those whom will receive their creations. They literally see happy people in their minds as they do their work. This is the goodness of wanting others to enjoy your creations. However we must not attach our happiness to another person in the manner of depending on their approval of our creation, in order to be considered “good” or good enough.

We must keep in mind, that we can give wonderful gifts and know they are wonderful and still remain okay with the fact that some receivers will simply not receive them as such. Just as Jesus gave life and more abundantly yet the majority do not want anything to do with him or his gift. But this doesn’t mean they are mean or bad people. More so we must feel compassionate to their inability, than offended. Poor things, they just don’t know or see who we are and what we just gave them. Like handing a diamond ring to a cow and expecting the cow to cherish it.

They can’t receive it, and how sad for them. 

"Addicts" are people whom have chosen to identify as "a lack of self control". A people whom are constantly suffering from feeling ‘in need’ of something or someone, whom hurts them. Feeling a thing or person has power over them. But regardless of why anyone chooses to feel bad within a view they hold, my own views are within my very own power and I choose to view these people with compassion instead of dismissal or irritation and annoyance. 

However, I too am guilty of becoming upset with clients whom I witnessed treating my co-workers badly during a couple’s session and it set me off and somehow even affected me more than my own co-worker in that moment because I was angry for the mis-treatment I was witnessing. Still I had to maintain focus on my own work and not intervene. The fact is, I’m one of those people who has a great need to intervene and though it's a good thing, I'm still learning how sometimes intervention is not possible, and I simply have to step back and trust in God to do the intervening in his time. We each maintain the power of sight, in views and perspectives. So when I tell you about how I'm learning to control those views and cleans them with love, I hope you’re able to know that I too have probably been where you might be at and yes, sometimes some people annoy me.

When I had my time of growth shift, I was gifted with the ability to see my very own children as my own personal Angels. And in time I learned that children can be trained by their care takers to practice hatred and in turn they also learn to hate their care takers. Just as much as they can be trained and taught to love and live within love here in this world filled with hatred. And just as receivers of your work can become your raving fans or you’re most unsatisfied receivers, we all have moments and opportunities of teaching each receiver about the subject of love and also learning from them. 

Sometimes it’s that tiny little forgivness that will keep us from doing or saying something really hurtful.

Efforts of restraint to not be, say or do something you know will hurt another, will always render positive outcomes. Even helping a receiver to not speak a negative word about their body such as, “My back is horrible.” We can gently remind some people that speaking negative words against themselves is counter-productive to healing one’s self. Let’s all stay positive. Let’s always love our work, or at least admit to ourselves that we should not be doing this work and that we are in essence practicing negativity, pushing negativity into the world one receiver at a time. 

Why do you do what you do if you know you would rather not be doing what you’re doing?

It’s a good thing to face the reality of needing to change, and accept this may not be the best work field to offer positive outcomes in. SO... leave it for those who would love to do it. I must emphasize that if your goal is not to make each and every receiver happy, and you maintain some form of ‘not caring’, you are working to put negativity into the world!

The proof is in the path. Too much planning for the future without understanding the past, is the same as agreeing to carry another’s view into the future. Because you are not that past person any longer yet maintain their views. Refusing to grow.  It can have you planning and executing your very own destructive path unknowingly. We must each be honest with ourselves about what we are doing NOW and why, and either choose to change NOW and work at gradually moving into a work we will love or grow stagnant like rotting water. But minor changes can happen immediately such as choosing to be kinder to the very next person whom you interact with.

I have learned how the way I think effects my approach to people and so I began to practice purity in thought. I also learned to guide myself by prayer and how my body can give purely and concentrate on that fact for as long as I can. Like riding a wave for as long as I possibly can. Not allowing any negative thoughts to intrude into my sessions. In my mind I think “I must make this so amazing that my receiver forgets to want to move or scratch that itch.”  I’ve been on the table as a receiver of massage and remember having felt an urge to itch but forgot about it because my senses were all on my calf and how relieving the pressures were. Though I also know if someone scratches their itch, it’s not always because I’m not doing well enough or that they do not feel the goodness of this giving action, because I maintain the focus and give fully to each and every one.

Let us focus on giving carefully and placing our hands and elbows with precise distribution of the best pressure to each section at proper intervals in balancing the time spent on each area. At the same time as remembering our general formula. When I begin a session I consider my receiver as being my canvass, and my paints become colors based upon the pressures I apply. For instance, an extremely tense part of the body needs my ‘red pressure’. And a nice calm section only needs my yellow or aqua pressures. With this approach I can create art and be thankful to my receiver for allowing me to practice that art on them, instead of expecting them to be thankful to me for my work.

It’s also very important to always move a client’s limbs with gentle speed and strength, showing them I know what I’m doing, though I’m gentle and in control. Feather strokes are key when placed precisely at the exact and right moments and those colors can become beautiful with repeated strokes on top of each other. Let us create in a gentle but firm voice and tone. A feather tone. Applying many feather style strokes from our receivers feet to back, requesting slow deep breaths along the way.

Regarding “Trade secrets”:

Secrets in massage, such as hiding your techniques or not wanting others to know of a specific move you may use on your clients, the one you know feels good for almost everyone, is equivalent to selfishness. It turns the energy within from positive to negative and has absolutely nothing to do with giving and love. Because nothing of God is secret nor needs to be hidden. Why would love ever need to hide its good treasures?

Most people whom want to keep others from knowing their techniques are in fear of their own clients not needing them. And that’s just unhealthy, even possibly a bit co-dependent. Needing to be needed is the same as needing gratitude in order to do your best work i.e. only doing your best for ‘big tippers’. It’s a negative because you only do well for those whom give you what you think is good for you. Making it all about YOU.

This is why I hope to create instructional videos showing, revealing my most detailed techniques and moves. Because I want to share with anyone and everyone who maintains this passion for healing and making people feel rejuvenated and wonderful. The fact is, I can’t massage everyone, but still want everyone to receive quality massage work. And I accept the fact that someday I too shall... pass away.

But I don’t want my abilities in massage to go with me. Those things are only worth anything while we’re here anyway, right?  So, graciously I give to you all that I know, have learned and am learning and I send you out into the world to share your gifts. With love.

Chapter: Regarding “The” Holy Bible 

Is the very first story of Genesis, from “The Holy Bible”, a key to knowing how God created us and earth and how we should live? Or does it have a much deeper, profound and mystical way of reading? It starts off looking like an explanation of a dream once had in a self-induced hypnotic sleep. Which was caused by looking into the light of water. Then moves on to explain the difference between good and bad, right from wrong. The "creator" in the story is called “God.” Creating two states “awake and asleep, reality and non-reality.” Which looks to me like a device created as a filter of some sort. None the less, this story explains how everyone MUST ‘work’ before going to “sleep” or resting. 

Work creates the necessary need for rest. Perhaps to rest is ‘to take’, and to take rest is only right if you first work a “good work”?  For instance, “In the beginning, God created heaven… FROM earth.” What I see is God created consciousness FROM Unconsciousness. And God’s work is to separate ‘good’ from ‘not good’. As well, when I read how he spoke LIGHT into existence, out of dark water. My understanding is, ‘The dark water’ was a reference to your mother’s womb. Meaning you, me, us, WE… are his word.  WE are the ‘spoken light’.  Perhaps as God rested on the seventh day, he actually went to sleep and had a dream? Because he is from then on referred to as “Lord God.”  

Perhaps…. we are the dream? 

But let’s not jump ahead, let’s first asses the first part of this story. What is ‘’good and bad’’ and how are we created to engage with it? Let’s look closely at how God first created ‘the divide’. To separate ‘good water’ from ‘dark water’ (the face of the deep). Which to me explains the difference between “good and dark.” And why “dark” things are NOT GOOD.

Day 1 – Creates Day/Light from water, good from formless. Earth’s deep dark waters, called “Night”. Good Day Light ‘out’ of deep dark water

Day 2 – Creates “Heaven,” to divide water from water

Day 3 – Creates “Earth,” good grass, seed, fruit trees

Day 4 – Creates “Two good GREAT lights and the stars

Day 5 – Creates ocean animals

Day 6 – Creates earth animals and People

Day 7 – Creates rest FROM his work. Completed the work by resting

The “rest” is A-PART of the work. IT is ONE with the work. I view this story as an explanation on how without working in order to know the need for rest, you won’t become tired. And in the end, PERHAPS your soul… won’t rest.  This century old mystery led me into a most fantastical new area of thinking wondering and weighing my existence here with it all. Somehow contemplating, how do we know if we’re awake or asleep, once we’ve realize ‘where’ exactly it is, we are?


My right-hand clenches a fork. I’m standing at the stove in the kitchen of our old apartment in Long Beach California. Staring down at a hot dog being fried in a flat frying pan.  My eyebrows squint and I’m wondering why I’m cooking a hot dog like this.   Suddenly, the flame under the pan flares huge and my hot dog starts spinning in the middle of the pan, fast like the hand on a clock. I jump back with a gasp and rush to the living room where my mom was sitting watching TV with her legs tucked up under her bottom and to the side. I head over to tell her what just happened saying, “OH MY GOD MOM!”   But as she looked up at me, immediately out of nowhere. I’m filled with shocking fear as two black shadows slowly begin to appear one on each side of me.

Terror fills my body.  My breath stopped and now I’m standing completely erect from the weight of this fear. My eyes glance to my right to see another black shadow entering from the corner hallway entrance.  I’m utterly frozen with dread. I can barely move. Oh my God, I’m so scared… I can’t think. The shadow evenly paced in a drift type motion right up to my face and my mind feels blank. My mouth heavy like it wants to tremble, drowned with intensity. I’m not breathing. When suddenly, as though it didn’t belong to me, my mouth spoke words saying, “God is.”  My cloudy eyes slowly open. I’m lying AWAKE face up in bed still somehow unconscious when I hear my voice speak more words saying, “In me.”  Now I’m fully awake! Laying there subsiding from the memory of those feelings of terror. Which quickly pass and soon I feel safe again. However contemplative about why this dream felt so ‘different’. Why it felt somehow empowering, like if I passed a test or something. I made it! Or something.

Why did I dream that? Why did I say what my mouth said? (God is in me) What did it mean, if anything? 

Somehow, eventually I was left with an amazing feeling like a sense of approval. A few more moments pass then I’m completely awake. Laying very still thinking maybe somehow this was some sort of a test… from God.  Because the resulting emotion left me feeling empowered and less afraid than ever before in my life. Unlike all the often-horrific feelings I’d normally feel after one of my all too often “scary dreams.” This one was different, more like a contemplative feeling of remembering the intensity of the initial terror. Then a lightness of relief from having woken up saying what I said. Knowing I was always safe, and he really, truly was with me like the songs say, no matter what, no matter where.

I rolled over hugging the blanket saying to myself. “That… was a crazy dream.”  I’d often experienced what I now understand to be, "night terrors.” On one occasion when I was about five years old. I got up from grandma Cecilia’s bed to go pee. As I stepped into the hallway, I looked up at a hanging picture of Christ’s face hanging on the wall in the hall. When suddenly a bunch of little devil faces were floating around it! I was so freaking terrified I shot down the hall to my room instead of the bathroom, jumped on the bed and peed myself. It was terrifying in the middle of the night fighting my courage against my need to go pee so badly. 

Sadly, the fear won more times than not.

But this fear was more like terror, like a dreadfully scary feeling of something heinous being there to harm me. So, there I was laying paralyzed, freezing on the floor in urinated pajamas. Staring wide eyed at the deep dark doorway. Afraid of what might come get me. Curled up on a mattress falling halfway off the bed. Why it was halfway off the bed I do not know.  But the terror was brutal and for a long time I didn’t understand why I had to go through these things. Why I HAD to experience feeling like others didn’t like me. Feeling more than unwanted or unloved. Sometimes I felt hated. Or was it “hatred”. Who can know the difference, as a small child?

Forging into the future, the love I was able to recognize as love, watered my growth and taught me A LOT.  I started to see how ALL occurrences in MY life shape ME into who I am today. And If I love who I have become and see my life as a blessing upon others in some way. Then I know the strength this struggle has presented, is a spiritual training of some sort. I finally know, it’s “your life,” so treat it good. No matter what it looks or seems like it’s giving to you, do not give abuse back.  Or the abuser is what you become. Self-abused. Self-destructive. 

In my dreams I was learning to be of courage against my very own… created fears and obstacles.  Sometimes it takes courage to simply be yourself. To wake up and walk in the steps you previously took and to face self-created consequences. It takes courage to forgive ourselves, let alone forgive someone else. No matter the level of filth, the difficulty is there. It’s called “work”. 

If you are alive and here, you are still able to “work.” More than able, it is your duty, your charge, our charge, our work. To live here for the service of others. Not to walk backwards in service to ourselves. Truly, too much self-service is self-destruction and self-destruction will always hurt those whom come around or interact with us while we’re in it. It’s like getting next to a Tasmanian devil. You know? The cartoon character guy who spins around destroying everything in his path. Why are selfish people destructive you ask? Because life is about health and health is about balance. And when one is solely focused on the self, it’s impossible for them to be balanced. We’re meant/created to give AND take.

But that’s the work we are given. To love and engage with some people who are spinning out of control, some aren’t even aware of it. Still, we’re tasked to love them. No matter how strong we feel we don’t actually ‘want to’. The work is real. And in order to truly love another we must first love ourselves with a healthy love. Take care of ourselves for us and for others. And I don’t mean getting mud treatments on your skin or luxurious spa visits. I mean internally. Look at John the Baptist. He was filthy and yet complete in the knowledge of what his purpose on this planet was. And being clean externally simply wasn’t on the priority list, whatsoever.

I observe within myself this thing I call ‘the scale’. It’s an internal tool forged with reasoning and choice.  This scale helps me understand the difference between positive and negative. And how to know ‘the difference’ in order to confidently walk into the future. Confident of the quality of my work. But the scale takes work to use.  Even though nothing compares to the heavy negative weight of not using it. Undeniably, we all have a thinking process. Regardless if we have emotions or not, even psychopaths have access to their scale. 

My point here is to ‘not think’ is to ‘not use’ the scale. To not use it is basically what a zombie does. Physically functioning, yet dead of love and the spirit of giving. Disabled to do anything but prey on the living for their “brains”. People have become but food for their consumption. Strong in disobedience to love. Strong in self-harm. It’s the “sorry not sorry” attitude of not only refusing to ‘refine the scale’. But refusing to even acknowledge it’s “real” at all. The leisurely life of “Yolo” right? Do as though wilt? 

They don’t care. Yet the idea IS to care. Care enough to want to understand the importance of “its” existence. YOUR existence which lines up with YOUR work ie. Purpose.  But take heart these lost ones are people too. They too are children of God. And though they may see everything through the misery of the black shadow upon their unused scale. We’re ALL here to do our service and must serve them the same way we lovingly serve each other.  We must walk in the reasoning of “forgiving them for they do not know.” And stop trying to divide ‘whether they knew or had done things purposefully’ that have hurt us. It goes with issuing punishments. So, leave both types of that work to their creator. Separate them but do not hurt them in the process.

Why should we care about people who have done heinous deeds against the innocent? 

I recognize the numb feeling hatred can provide. Especially when we're numb in anguish and pain and how difficult it is to NOT want to enjoy physically hurting them or knowing they are somewhere they will suffer the most. BUT I ALSO understand some innocent people are put through this same punishment. This fact alone means we need to learn to attempt to correct this process to offer more ways for one to heal and evolve away from the "zombie mind".  With “love” we can learn to see them with compassion instead of the normally accepted hatred and distain. IF we're truly aiming to "correct". My life experiences have taught me forgiveness is positive and sometimes difficult. But its also a process of doing “good work”. Though possibly difficult, but it can be done without negative emotions. Sometimes it takes work to be around someone who has personality defects or tries to use you. But that’s the work we do to walk in love. We become aware enough to see them and choose not to abandon them even though we probably have a great reason or explanation to do so.  

It’s a balance of deciding from the inner space. 

Oh, how beautiful life could be to know this!  Don’t abandon anyone for not being able or not believing in how beautiful life could be. They just don’t know. This… is the point of GIVING forgiveness.  For-give them for they cannot fathom a true paradise of internal joy for living life in service to others, which is “service to God.”

The scale is ‘internal trust’.  However! Forgiving people doesn’t mean you force yourself around danger in favor of naivety. Forgiveness is not unintelligent when understanding the magnitude of “it” as an idea. It truly exists. Yet staying away from certain people is most understandable and necessary. So love them from a distance.  But don't give up on them, pray for them and engage when you can. My stance is that we can forgive and not decide to hope horrible things on those who’ve horribly violated us.  We CAN see them in a different way. Remember, horrific feelings first have to be invoked within ourselves. Then pushed out. CREATING horrible vibrations. THEN spreading them OUTWARD. You become a disease. A creator of disease.

It’s the idea of destroying yourself in order to hurt someone because you feel so negatively towards them for what they’ve done. Which makes the creator of it one with that darkness? Internal peace is wonderful and the lightness of living here on earth without being afraid of everyone or everything all the time can be exhilarating.  Though fear may occasionally continue to check in to see if you still need it, these waters of truly priceless wisdoms quench that thirst with strength of living with fear, but not “of” it. This priceless knowledge gives us a priceless molecule of understanding for the most complicated questions of “why are we here? What is ‘here’? Why it’s here? And how we are to approach “it?” And why bother? 

But it won’t be for the avoidance of death. No. We’re not here to try to not die.  Though most of us live our lives in some regard to our beliefs or non-belief, on the subject of what happens after we die. There’s freedom in being able to choose to ‘believe’ whatever we decide to believe will happen to ourselves or to others, after we pass away. However, the main point of being here isn’t to worry for dying. It’s to utilize our time wisely enough to live a fulfilled life of service, to each other.  To understand THIS is “success”. It's ‘in the eyes of the beholder’. 

What is a “successful life” to you?

As well, if you really believe someone is going to suffer immensely after death, for their choice of actions during life. Would you not feel and display actions of someone who feels pity for them? Sorrow for their inability?  Consideration for their … disability? Non-ability. Choice.

Don’t get mad at someone for choosing wrongly. It’s like a teacher getting mad at a student for choosing wrong. Instead of helping. But you say ‘they chose wrongly on purpose’. And I say, ‘you’ll never know’. You’ll just have to choose to forgive or hone-in and burrow with them. Because that’s what they’re doing. Head down digging. Working but doing absolutely nothing at the same time. Stuck. Don’t get stuck trying to figure people out. If someone crashes into you, and you KNOW you have God within you, perhaps it’s meant for you to help them. Help them by forgiving them and showing the power of the love you house. React differently than would most others.

This is the difference between true ‘lovers of Love’.  We literally can’t become angry at people for their inabilities. We KNOW the work.  In the beginning of being aware of my own reactions, it was hard to be calm, let alone “loving”. It takes effort to work. But without working you can’t need rest, and rest is for the non-wicked.  

Being HERE is work.

Living for satisfaction of serving others and working to not hurt another but love one another. Is the ability to see “need or lack of self-love”, within the “enemy”. Instead of being driven by the negative emotions of being bothered or annoyed by them. This view shows us most ‘needy people’ are desperate and behave in desperate manners.  THIS is just one single example of my own personal view and observation of this place and who I am within it. In relation to others as well. I observe people ‘in love with love’ do not WANT to be upset at "desperately in need people". Some people become offended by what others MAY be thinking of them, though the fact remains. How we think is in association with our behavior and treatment of others. What we believe others are here for and or how we see our existence in relation to everyone, WILL push our thoughts. Which push our actions.  To be offended by them being offended would be silly. There’s no need to become ‘offended’, regardless of what behaviors we’re witnessing. 

For example, once someone has chosen to not live upon the love path of forgiveness and peace, they are in fact LIVING DEAD. However, no need to be offended by the walking dead. Here exists a great need to try and stop someone from hurting themselves through filtering our approach and reacting in a loving way. A loving, peaceful, calm, un-abusive or attacking way. Overpowering someone doesn’t need to include injuring them somehow. One must be practicing the belief of “being love”. Weighing thoughts on 'being loving'. Searching within and behaving in a loving and peaceful way in order to clearly identify the opposite. Because to know ‘what you are’ is to know ‘what you aren’t’. It starts with training the mind to obey "the scale", and then the mind pushes reactions WE choose to send OUT to others, on a day to day basis.

If you are someone who believes ‘we are alone’, or are focused on avoiding “that moment” of pain. Remember, I was writing this book while suffering, and now you’re reading it. Time is an incomparably valuable thing to some. To others, it’s a waste. But not to all. However, for ALL, the currency of time is weighed at the end of its allowed "spree of spending". Some spend it on themselves. Spending all moments on making one’s self feel less, feel none, feel overtly or falsely satisfied. It is all in fact spending time, on ourselves. Some call other forms of self service, “depression”.

My experience with being dedicated to ‘myself first before others’, has taught me what it’s like to think and walk this way, and I have a strong feeling, if I describe my choices to focus my work in life on others, someone may be empowered to bravely work in service to others also. All the pieces can fit together when looked at from a specific perspective of love, peace and obedience to selfless manners. Understanding a description leads to identification. And self-identification is necessary for responsibility of choices in reacting or treating others a specific way. We’ve got to stop living in denial as to why we do what we do when we do it.

Basically, we CAN know what we do to others IF we FIRST know what we’re doing to ourselves. Removing the boulder from our own eye first in order to see clearly.  Akin to the Bible scripture about the “Jews being first.” I understood it to truly mean "to start within". Because truly all people are chosen by God. But not all will choose God.  My observations also tell me that spiritual understandings have absolutely nothing to do with the politics of religious orders or cultural practices. Politics are a manmade thing. So, the scripture truly means, we must LOOK AT OURSELVES FIRST, in order to HELP OTHERS.  We can literally, clearly view all people as ‘one people’, once we see ourselves clearly. And then wipe down those blurry mirror eyes. 

Self-assessing became my regular practice of thinking. And soon I wanted to use my life as a tool for service to others.  But before that joy was found, I began to sink in a quicksand of desperate fruitless searches for knowledge of the world. Through documentaries, books, articles, movies. Anything I could devour like candy in my attempt to be smarter, to gain world knowledge. And that’s when I fully walked away from God. 

During this same time those documentaries were revealing the horrors going on around the world in 2011. Witnessing the pain left me feeling ‘guilty’ for being alive while horrible things are happening during my lifetime. Knowing I was doing NOTHING to try and help. My heart sunk heavy with sorrow. That old feeling of not wanting to be alive came back. Being alive was beginning to hurt worse than I’d experienced before. But now my new atheistic mind frame of being “some random life form,” and completely irrelevant, brought on a feeling of ‘grief’, of being unable, unwanted and unloved.  Unable to help. Unable to help myself let alone anyone else. But something in me kept saying, “You think you’re smart because you’re against people who “believe”, yet you haven’t even truly looked into what they believe. How unintelligent”.

So, I decided to start reading the book they all adhere to. And it took some solid internal fights against fear that I’d become stuck in that book too, before I decided to study the Bible.  I started from the front and went all the way to the back. I knew regardless how much I really wanted to help others, first I’d have to look into both sides of presented reasoning’s given. And the tricky part would be deciphering between simple truths mixed with complicated lies.  Having faith was “illogical” and though I had to view my ‘self-importance’ as nothing during a portion of this lesson, the experience taught me what discernment truly is. 

It’s the ability to ‘know’ the truth. To trust what I felt on a subject. To trust and obey my intuition. Knowing right from wrong is a compass, a scale, an ability to judge rightly. The majority of people here with us possess this ability to live in ‘truth’ and therefore be able to trust in IT. I learned to recognize discernment as a strength and trained my efforts and abilities toward living a life of truth, starting with the chick in the mirror.  

As my mind delved into this great historic piece of works, I watched, looked and contemplated reasoning’s for life and death. But my atheistic mind presented this end message of, “we’re nothing but an abscess on the earth. Inherently evil people and most of us need to just die". Better known as the message of “Over population.” Ya know? The main Atheistic message was to view myself as nothing, no one, useless, just some “accident”, and then proceed in life with that view about everyone else too. And I had. I tried to STAND on some of that beach sand reasoning for doing what I now recognize as ‘body worship’. 

But facts began to stick out in my head and knowledge of myself as being separate from others, became a lie. I couldn’t maintain that proud feeling to know that everyone who believes in God is dumb but I’m smart. The lessons led me to learn a “truth” beyond simple. 

Love one another.  After I began looking within and devoted myself to the spirit of love. I found a gentility in loving others. And how just maybe Jesus isn’t the bad guy after all. I started walking on a cloud of acceptance for life as it is. I began to be aware of my choices, my actions and how they affect my ability to trust myself within.  My intuition, my discernment strength. This ability to start learning how to live is not reserved for any one special group or sect of people.  NO matter what logics they believe in. We ALL possess the power to put our own minds into new lands of peace. To begin to understand “the love God has for us all.”

In the first book of The Bible, it describes the creation of two states of being. Conscious and unconscious. It’s a TIME of knowing, hence the tree of knowledge of good and evil. To know Day and Night. To ‘know the difference’. Because when Jesus was murdered, witness accountings explain how he spoke, saying “forgive them for they DO NOT KNOW.”  So perhaps to “know the difference” between good and bad is the work!  

Forgive them for they do not work. Like broken clocks.  If you were an inventor, could you forgive those inventions that “do not work”?  Then work your process of correcting the broken ones?  A work to expand your understanding of what truth is, based upon your actions and not solely your words. It’s the process of learning how to trust your intuition, knowing you can trust the goodness within yourself for unselfish reasons.

Do you know, “truth” is a practice? The word itself is a 'noun'. An action word.  Are they truth or are they false? Divide your thoughts and work against the negative ones, promoting the positive ones which urge you to do good for yourself by doing well for others. Living for Love is living life.

(Taking out the lights, don't try, multiply, if you want truth, obey my light). These are some free-styled lyrics from a song I once wrote. I'm excited to share them all with you all.

Thank you for reading this writing I worked on for many years. I apologize it took me so long to get it done but I hope you can forgive me.

Yours Truly,

Carolina Grace. (-*-)

22 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All


Rated 0 out of 5 stars.
No ratings yet

Add a rating
bottom of page